This weekend did not go as planned, but I am used to that. Wyatt and I have become accustomed to our plans changing at the last minute or not being able to make concrete plans. Not that it makes it any easier anytime we have to cancel or change what we were looking forward to doing. It is improving and the idea of having more good days than bad is exciting.
The migraine started creeping in on Friday, but it wasn’t too bad. Saturday morning, I knew my postponed Valentine’s Day dinner for that evening would not happen. After spending the day in bed, I was able to rally and my migraine let up. It let up enough to enjoy a Biggie Bag from Wendy’s and a game of Yahtzee. So after my Saturday night rally, I had high hopes for going to Sunday morning church. We haven’t been to church since before the pandemic because of my health and I have come to a place in my recovery where I am ready to get back. I think I’ll be able to handle the loud music. At least I am hoping so because worship is a very important part of church for me. I’m thinking I’ll be able to salvage one day this weekend. When I woke up Sunday morning, I was holding my head in my hands and was at the stage of murmuring to myself because I was in so much pain. There will be no church this morning. AHHH! Why!?
Depression covers me like a heavy blanket. Guilt claws its way into my mind and starts ripping apart my self-esteem. With each rip I tear myself down a little more, “you knew you couldn’t show up for your husband this weekend”, “you actually thought you were going to church? Maybe you thought about it so hard you brought that migraine on.” “Another weekend where you spent two days in bed and your husband has been basically alone.” All this is happening and going through my mind as this migraine is raging and I’m getting back into bed and my phone goes off. I get the following picture and text on our family thread from my nephew, Nick.
I received that text at 7:30 am as I was getting back into bed. I immediately have two thoughts. A song by Fernando Ortega – Creation Song – pops into my head. It’s a beautiful song. I’ll put a link at the bottom. My second thought is I am so loved by God. The God that created the universe loves me above all creation. In my sin, he pursues me still. He is with me now and I will praise him through this. He created my whole being from top to bottom. Whether I am sick or sinning, my God never leaves me. He did not create me to tear myself apart from the inside as that just pulls me farther away from him. My mind calms down and the depression begins to lift, and the guilt pulls its claws back out slowly. God wants me to know him more intimately. Each time I focus on God and his love for me, I understand my true worth more and more. It’s not about focusing on myself and learning to love myself. It’s about focusing on and getting closer to God. Only then will I understand how truly lovely and valuable I am. So, not today Satan! As my nephew said, he has so much gratitude that God is God and we are not. It is truly amazing that the God who calls and commands the dawn to awake like an artist painting a masterpiece values me so much more; he pursues me every day. He was reminding me of that Sunday morning through my nephew. I always find it amazing how he uses the people in my life to speak to me at just the right time. Thank you, Nick, for being moved by God.