What Part Did You Not Understand?

It takes me a while to get where I’m going. Not in the car or going some place. I’m actually pretty good with directions if I say so myself. I mean it takes me a while to get to where I’m supposed to be in life. Where I should be. Where God has been trying to help me move to in a comfortable way. Showing me and guiding me and loving me along the way. Putting people in my life to speak to me and speak God’s word and reaffirm what I think I’m hearing. So a lot of times I have to be shoved. Instead of listening, he is done waiting and he has a plan. A plan for each and every one of us. We can’t stand in his way. He’s going to get done what he needs to be done. If we can’t hear the gentle call then sometimes it takes an uncomfortable shove. That’s me. I get scared on certain things especially when it involves opening myself up for criticism and letting people in past the walls I have constructed.

This right here, typing my thoughts out is pretty frightening. You see I have certain faces I let people see and certain things I let people know. I think we all do. We keep the ugliest, most savage ones for the ones we live with and then there are some we don’t even let them see. We save those for when we are by ourselves. I have a story and I feel like I am supposed to share it with people. At least that’s what I’m hearing. I am running from this because it scares me yet it excites me at the same time. Hebrews 12:1 says “Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles” Which means we need to pinpoint those things that are holding us back as well as any sins God brings to our attention.

I feel like God is saying “What part did you not understand!?” Just like we say to our children or someone who is just plain not getting it when you have said something very plain and very clear. Like, unload the dishwasher. I didn’t speak in Swahili, what part did you not understand? My 18 year old sometimes gets the english language confused. I think they grow out of it when they have children. Really though, I think that’s what God wants to say to us sometimes. “Are you deaf, what part did you not understand about what I so clearly told you to do?”

August 1st I will be 2 years sober. I thought when I stopped drinking I would get through all of the hard physical, mental and just the downright drag of being one of those people who don’t drink anymore, and I would be rewarded. I did it. I took this horrible ugly sin that was ruining me, my marriage, my relationship with my child, with God everything around me and I gave it up. I went from being life of the party, social butterfly, great figure, great clothes yada yada yada to an over weight, depressed, shut in that had no voice. That’s my reward? That’s what I get? I should feel better, I should be healthier, I should be kicking my heels together. You know what no one tells you? The hardest part about not drinking, is feeling. Not the feeling of wanting a drink but the feeling of being in your own skin. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last 2 years and it sucks. That’s the best way I know how to put it. I’m tired of running, I’m tired of just being here, I’ve traded one addiction for another, food (sugar). Which is very common. I’m going to throw off everything that is hindering me and it will be hard. I’m asking God to show me the sins I don’t even realize are there. I’m going to fall but I’m going to get back up. I’m going to open my eyes and ears up to what he’s been saying very plainly and clearly for the past 2 years and finally say “I understand, maybe not all, but this little piece right here that you want me to do. I got that Lord, hold my hand because I’m a little nervous.” Like I said it takes me a minute to get to where I need to be on some things but when I decide I’m going to do something and purpose to do it, I’m all in.