I’m tired. I’m sure about 99.9% of the people reading this can say the same. I wake up and half the time look forward to getting back in my bed that night. This last month I’m pretty sure I have been operating on auto pilot. It kind of reminds me when I had my son John-Thomas. You don’t know how you do it but you just get up in the middle of the night and you function on no sleep but you just keep on motoring right along. It’s a special setting that God gives us when we have kids. This is not quite that level, I’m not waking up every 2 hours to feed someone but the stress level is off the charts. When you’re dealing with Dr.’s it’s hurry up and wait. I stated previously my father was diagnosed with a brain tumor and he is doing just that, going to the Dr. to hurry up and wait. Each one gives him snippets of information each time we go. We learn a little more and find out another step in this process and meet another Dr. They need to streamline this process. You get diagnosed they put you in a room with all the Dr.’s your going to be dealing with and you just have your own panel for a couple of hours.
I can’t imagine how hard this must be on my Dad if it’s this stressful on me. He has such a great sense of humor though. He is the first one to make a joke about his tumor. He really makes us all laugh and I’m not sure I would be able to do that if I were in his shoes. After he had his brain surgery he pulled the Eddie line from Christmas Vacation. “Don’t turn on the microwave or I’ll pee my pants and forget who I am.” As stressful as all this is there is not a day that goes by that we don’t laugh.
I really welcome this season in my life. I don’t welcome the fact that my Dad has a brain tumor but I welcome the fact that I am where I am. For such a time as this. That’s what keeps coming to me since this started. My Mom has said it to. There are no coincidences, or luck or karma. I don’t believe in those things. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 There is God working for our good. This was years in the making. Certain people had to do and be where they were supposed to be for me to be where I was supposed to be. God doesn’t just tap you on the head and say ok you’ve put in your time I think it’s your day go forth and do what you do best. He uses people. He loves people. Otherwise he would have been done with this whole planet a while back.
I know this started with my nephew Matt. I don’t know the in’s and out’s of what was going on with him but I know he was getting his life in order. Matt just really had things working for him and was starting to put into practice things that made his life move forward. He found an amazing motivational speaker, Les Brown and became disciplined on what he was doing with his days. The change could be seen just by looking in his eyes. Well, he shared that with his Mom, my sister. She started really having things working for her. Listening to Les Brown, being more positive, putting God first and she has an amazing gift. She can talk to people like you wouldn’t believe. She can see something in people and talk to them and pray for them. She truly makes me want to be a better person. She and I are horrible about calling eachother actually I will say that I atleast answer my phone but I digress. (Love you Leslie) Two weeks before this all happened with my Dad we had a conversation, a long conversation and we shared some things with eachother and I told her about wanting to write a blog and how it had been on my heart for a long time. She just took whatever was in me and pulled it out. I had been thinking about doing this for almost 2 years. After talking with her I did it a few days later. My whole attitude changed. My whole outlook changed. My purpose changed. I had a purpose. For such a time as this. You see little did we know that in two weeks we would find out my Dad had a brain tumor. I needed to be in a different frame of mind. I needed to have a different purpose. If Matt wasn’t where he needed to be then Leslie wouldn’t be where she needed to be and I wouldn’t be where I needed to be.
“For if you remain silent at this time relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14 I love the book of Esther. She had no idea she was going to be thrust into the position she was in but God knew and she was placed in the palace at the precise moment she needed to be to save the people. Now obviously I’m no royal princess but I’m here. God knew I needed to be here. Someone had to impact Matt to start him on his journey so you see we all have someone that we need to touch. You may not know everyone you have an impact on. Matt didn’t know how much of an impact he had made until he was told. That’s powerful. What you do and how you live are seen by more people than you think. You can make an impact. We are not put here to pull a paycheck and just do the same thing every day and go on vacation once a year with the family. We are here to make an impact. We are here to change lives. I’m so grateful that I can be in the position I’m in. I have felt like I have floundered for these past couple of years and I have. I’m sure God could have used me in other ways before this moment but I apparently wasn’t ready.
So yes I’m tired and it’s stressful and I’m worried about my Dad. The alternative is I could still be drinking and miss this last year or so with my Dad. I could still be drinking and not be able to drive he and my Mom to the Dr. I could still be drinking and be emotionally closed off and not be there for my Mom or my sister and brother when we needed eachother. I’ll take tired, I’ll take stress, I’ll take puffy eyes and I’ll take being with my Dad for little moments and laughing with my Mom and Dad at the Dr. when we people watch and crying when the Dr. visit might get to be painful or overwhelming. I’ll take all that and more because I’m so glad I’m here For Such A Time As This.