Big Wheel

This is hard for me to sit down and write. Looking back there is a word that comes up a lot in my writing. You may have noticed. FEAR!!!! I started writing in May in the hopes that it would help me face my fear. I felt God wanted me to share my story. My story of coming to sobriety. Finally admitting that I needed to get sober. The struggles, the victories, the pain, the joy and well just every day life. I never realized it would help me so much when I sat down and started pecking away on the keyboard. You all were such an encouragement to me as well and I hope I could do the same for someone out there. If you read any of my postings you know my Dad was diagnosed with brain cancer so my writing took a different turn, which was fine, it was what I needed and what my family needed I think.

There was a lot I learned during the time that my Dad was sick. I learned how much I love my family and just how special each one of them is. I learned how God is deliberate in giving each one of us unique gifts. When we use these gifts to serve the people around us you can see God, you can be fullfilled with God, you can hear God and there is no room for fear. I learned just how many people my Dad touched, how many people came to know the love of Christ because of my Father. I learned and gained so many amazing things during that time and was just awestruck at all the people that surrounded us. I miss my Dad greatly but as someone who sent me a message the other day said, “Let’s plan to meet at your Dad’s house by the street made of gold.” Isn’t that fantastic! This person and I have never met and don’t know if we will meet in this lifetime but we already have a future meeting set at my Dads house.

So, those are all wonderful things but I also learned that I have done myself a disservice by keeping myself isolated. Instead of learning coping strategies these last two years I have just kept myself in safe places that I can control. I feel the need to be transparent since I started this blog talking about my sobriety. My 2 year sobriety date would have been August 1, 2019. Well, I fell short of that. That’s really hard to say. In my first blog I had mentioned that it was time to step out. I was keeping myself closed up. I was sober but my coping skill was to keep myself from any situation in which I could be tempted or might be harmful to me. I just didn’t see the downfall in that plan. I mean I had done such a great job so far in controlling everything in my life. I could control my surroundings until I die so, this should not be a problem. This is the part whereGod says,” I thought you understood? Your not in control. We’re not doing it that way so I’m going to have to give you a push. If you didn’t learn any coping strategies, well now, who’s fault is that? Time to get out and do life.” (I put that in quotations because I really think that’s what he said as he was shaking his head) I could have made this easier but I seem to have an aversion to that. It wasn’t even alcohol that tripped me up. It usually isn’t your drug/substance of choice that gets you.

As an addict you know the exact moment the wheel in your head starts turning. I was sitting in the Dr.s office with my Mom and Dad. The Dr. asked if my Dad was having any pain and he said no. He said NO!! The Dr. said,” well, I’m going to prescribe you some pain meds so you have them on hand.” Big Wheel Keep On Turning……..Rollin…. Those pills sat there for three weeks. 60 pills. It wasn’t constantly rolling at first. It was slow but then it was creeping and slowly started to pick up a little speed. There was the fleeting thought to throw the switch and put this train on a different track. I could have said something to my Mom and had her put them away. I did not do that. I had stayed at my Mom’s for a week and it was really hard. My Dad was so weak and he really could not get up and down out of the wheelchair or bed by himself and that Friday my sister came in town and I was tired. I was heading home and she was taking over. Can you hear it? Can you hear the rationalization? Can you hear the excuses I’m making? Yes, I gave myself permission. I deserved it. He wasn’t using those pills. He wasn’t in pain, I deserved to check out. It wasn’t alcohol! I just need to be numb for a while and not think. So, that’s what I did. I checked out.

When I checked back in so did the guilt and that voice that says, “Are you kidding? You took your Dad’s pain pills? He has Cancer? What a loser? I knew you would screw this up. Wyatt’s never going to trust you. Everyone in your family is going to hate you. What kind of a person….? Well you might as well just be depressed. You suck at life.” I fought that battle in my head for over a week. It was torture. Meanwhile my Dad was put in the hospital and things progressed and a few weeks went by, decisions were made and he and Mom were moving into my house. I thought long and hard and knew that I could not have them move into my house without telling Wyatt and my Mom what I had done. Believe me I had thought about throwing my hands in the air and saying “What?! I don’t know what happened to those pills. That’s crazy. They just disappeared.” I knew that ultimately if he was coming to my house he was eventually going to be in pain and would need even stronger pain medication and I needed to be held accountable. I wanted to be there for my Dad and take care of him. I did not want to spiral down and end up in a really dark place. I needed to be there for my Mom. Wyatt and I put a lot of hard work into loving this marriage right where it needs to be and we will not stop! I will not sacrifice my relationship with my son. So, I sat down with them and was honest about what I had done. As hard as that was there is something about telling the truth. Yes, the saying is true, “The truth shall set you free.” There is nothing like the truth. You are lighter. There is no more hiding. You know where you stand. Others can either choose whether to forgive you or not. It may take some time to build trust back but you can. You just have to be willing to put the time in. If they love you they will forgive you. If you love them you will earn trust back and you won’t repeat that behavior over and over. I’m so thankful that I have a forgiving family. I’m so thankful I had a forgiving Dad. He helped me understand just how much more my Father in heaven loves and forgives me.

This has been quite a year for me so far. Quite a year for my whole family. I think we would all like for the rest of 2019 to be without incident. I could go for that. It’s time for me to get out and do life. It’s time for me to follow my Dads example and spread the word. I need to get that Big wheel turnin for Jesus. I want to be sitting here a year from now and saying, “I know the exact moment when that wheel started turning in my head and God was going to change my life!!” Big Wheel Keep On Turnin, Proudly for Jesus I’m burnin, Rollin, Rollin…..