I woke up this morning and the bully was back. It’s not like he went to far and I really didn’t even know he was there sitting in my room. I woke up before my alarm and thought well I could get up now but who wants to do that. I have another hour to sleep so, yeah, sleep is your friend. Then my alarm went off and I was so tired. Just a few more minutes. I felt like I hadn’t slept, depressed, I didn’t want to get out of bed. So a few minutes turned into 2 hours. What is wrong with me? I’m depressed. That’s what’s wrong but why? I do suffer with depression and I’m on medication and have been for a long time but sometimes I think that’s an easy escape. Oh, I’m just depressed today. What’s going on with me? Well when I really search myself and try to find out what’s going on I look across the room and there he sits. Fear!!! I’m afraid. I’m afraid to get out of bed. I did something last night and frankly I don’t want to know what you people think or have to say. I told you all about my blog. I was ok the day before yesterday when it was just my family but oh my gosh now real people know. As if my family is not real. People that will judge and if I just stay here under my covers I will be safe. I can even take it down before that many people will see it. But, and as we always say in my family, there’s always a big but, do you really want to stay under the covers for the rest of your life? I do not!!
You see God blessed me this morning. With your words. I cried. I ugly cried this morning. With some of the things that people wrote and some of the encouraging words that were left for me. It was so freeing. It wasn’t a freeing like oh wow I might not be that bad of a writer. It was a freeing like I’m not hiding anymore. If any of you thought my life was just peachy, haha jokes on you. No really, it was freeing like when I told my husband I was an alcoholic. That was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life. I mean if you know Wyatt there is no turning back from that. I couldn’t just say well I was overstating that, I just need to cut down for a while, I’m just going through a rough patch and have gotten a little crazy. No, I had a problem and we were going to face it, head on, together.
We went on vacation in 2 days and boy I thought have you lost your mind. You should have at least waited until you got back to tell him. Now you have ruined your whole vacation because you can’t drink. Way to go genius. Well this genius went to BJ’s and bought those extra large hydrogen peroxide bottles rinsed them out and filled them with vodka. Hey who doesn’t need a lot of hydrogen peroxide on vacation. Not so much of a genius when your eyes are looking a little glassy by bedtime each day. That guy though he’s an amazing man and God sure gave him the patience of Job because he has not once said anything about leaving. Do you know how freeing that is? Do you know how freeing it is to have someone know you, the lies, the ugly parts, the things that only you know about yourself? It is extremely freeing and for the first time I realized what unconditional love for someone other than your child truly was and that I had not been giving it to him. Can you imagine how unloved he must have felt. We alcoholics/addicts think it’s all about us. Can you imagine how free he would like to be from being a caretaker and just wanting to be a husband? You see we need to free ourselves from our secrets but our secrets hold others in captivity too.
Someone wrote this morning the most beautiful way to describe this because I asked for some advice on the blog as they had started with a blog as well. Her advice was “remember that the biggest thing that God probably wants to accomplish in all of this is loving on YOU!! Blogging can be a wonderful romance between us and Jesus.” It doesn’t get anymore beautiful than that. If your sin is holding someone else captive set them free by letting yourself free and letting them in but especially let Jesus in. He already knows everything there is to know he just wants to love on you.
Playing house. Did you ever play house as a kid? We probably all did in some form or another. Even boys, they get roped into it by their sisters or playing with action hero’s. There is always one or two dominant people and the others have certain roles. You get the point. I’m not quite sure I ever felt like I transitioned over from that teenager dating to that young adult being married. I don’t think I ever felt like I was grown up enough to be married. Even when I had my son. I still felt like I was playing house. Just a set of steps to follow. These are the things you do now because you are married. I had this idea in my head that when I turned 30, because that was the magic number, I would have it all together. I would be a WOMAN!! I would be disciplined. Getting up every morning reading my bible before anyone in the house was up, having breakfast on the table for my husband and waking my sweet perfect child so we could all eat together before he went to work. Somewhere in there I think I had a dress on and there were several birds following me whistling as I twirled around opened the windows and talked to the squirrel and the deer. Yes that was to be my life. Hahahaha Disney oh how you tease. Needless to say I couldn’t even manage to read my bible before everyone was up and Wyatt was lucky if he got a pop tart thrown at him on the way out the door. Looking back I just needed to lighten up on myself. Nobody was putting the pressure on except for me. God wasn’t, Wyatt wasn’t and JT certainly was not. I was expecting a strict routine from myself. Routine is good, a schedule is good. Do any of you breathe or get out of bed in the morning? Yes, that’s what I thought. You can have the best schedule or routine in the world. There is always something or someone to jack knife that joker and mess up your whole week. A sick child, sick pet, sick husband, you didn’t sleep, stopped up toilet, car won’t start, I mean I could go on and on and on. Your schedule or routine is no good if your angry and yelling at everybody or you read your bible and have no idea what you read. If you go to work and you are the office complainer every day and everyone sees you coming and runs the other way. God doesn’t want our leftovers neither does your spouse or your children. I put myself under so much pressure to not let anyone see that I wasn’t doing all the things I was supposed to be doing that I had to crack somewhere. So I did. I would crack at night alone in my bathroom, only once a week or every other week. It wasn’t very often. Me and my vodka tonic all by ourselves. Baby in the bed, no husband at home, he had a motorcycle so he would go riding or maybe if he was home he would play poker on line, he’s not going to bother me. I deserved a few moments alone. I had a drink downstairs at dinner or before dinner but this one was mine. No talking, no phone ringing, no Mommy just me. Then I could step out of the bathroom and not worry about being perfect. I’ll think about that tomorrow Scarlett, for tomorrow is another day.
In all of that who was I really working to please. Not anyone that loved me. Myself. The people that love me, love me for who I am not for what I can do for them and God certainly loves me because he created me and died for me and wants me to come to him just as I am. I woke up this morning thinking about what I needed to do today and my schedule and that hit me. You have things to get done but the most important thing is spending time with God each day. If you do that as part of something to get done so you can check it off your list, did you really visit with God? Did you talk to him? Did you pray with him? Did you worship and praise him? I have to make sure I don’t get caught up in checking things off and making people see what I want them to see or I’ll wind up alone with a glass in the bathroom again. I’ld rather be outside with a water bottle surrounded by my family.
I didn’t start out my marriage drinking. I started out dating drinking. I partied quite heavily before I got married, before I met my husband and well while I dated my husband. He however is the polar opposite. He has never done a drug in his life and can count on one hand the number of times he has been drunk. Opposites attract they say. On one of his few times of drinking he decided to play mailbox baseball and fell out of the back of a pickup truck and left one side of his face stuck to the road. Like you could see his skull. When I say he looked like 2 Face from Batman that is not an exageration boys and girls. His recovery was long and this is how messed up and selfish I was. I still needed to get alcohol and he could get it for my friends and I. We were both under 21 but there was a place that would sell to him because I think the little girl who worked there had a crush on him. What did I do, I called him up and asked him if he would go get us beer. He’s layed up in the bed bandaged up and I’m concerned with getting beer to party. What does he do? He gets up and gets it for me. Addict let me introduce you to enabler. At the time I was just doing what teenagers/young adults do, well I thought so. He recovered and his face healed and he doesn’t look like 2 Face anymore. I did not see my behavior as selfish. I asked, he didn’t have to say yes. That really was the beginning of a lot of selfish behavior. It was about me as long as we were doing things I wanted to do, actually as long as wherever we went involved drinking I was usually fine. We didn’t fight much only when he had something to say about my drinking. We had moved in together and the drinking had gotten so out of control that after about a year of living together he looked at me and told me I needed to leave. He couldn’t take it anymore. Whoa there buddy, are you actually giving me consequences for my actions. Uh….. that’s not usually how this works. I drink, you get mad, I say I’m sorry the next day and we are fine. Wash, rinse, repeat cycle. I came to a complete halt and didn’t want to lose him and said I would stop. I would change and that is what I did. It’s amazing when we are faced with real consequences we start to see what we have in front of us. I did this time but this would creep back into my life later on and sometimes we think we are bigger than the consequences. We have more control, we know what we are doing, we are not that stupid. It’s like a weed out in my garden. I planted 48 tomato plants this year. I hope everyone likes salsa. I go out and look and there’s this tiny little weed not doing anything, not hurting anything and they are so small between the plants so i’ll pull them later. Couple days they aren’t that big. Now it’s the weekend and I’ve gotten busy and those weeds need to be pulled but still they are a little tall but not out of control I’ll pull them next week when I have more time. Life happens and next weekend comes and oh great these weeds are out of control and look some of them have actually taken over a couple of the plants and choked the life right out of them. I can’t tell the weed from the plant. That’s how alcohol or any addiction will work in your life. Slowly, gently but all of the sudden it will reach up and choke the life you have right out of you and take everything you love.
That was 25 years ago. I think if I could go back and tell myself to do things a different way to make things easier, would I do that? I would certainly not want to cause the heartache I have caused for the people I love. I know that I would not be the person I am today and through every one of those trials and tribulations, many of them self made, God made me a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and I could not share his love with any of you had I not experienced the things I had. I feel like I may have been asleep at the wheel for quite some time and maybe you do to. It’s never to late. I’ll be 45 this year, my life is just beginning. It would really be a shame if God brought me through everything I’ve been through and all the things I’ve learned to keep them all to myself because I was scared of the opinions of people and thought I was to old to be used.
It takes me a while to get where I’m going. Not in the car or going some place. I’m actually pretty good with directions if I say so myself. I mean it takes me a while to get to where I’m supposed to be in life. Where I should be. Where God has been trying to help me move to in a comfortable way. Showing me and guiding me and loving me along the way. Putting people in my life to speak to me and speak God’s word and reaffirm what I think I’m hearing. So a lot of times I have to be shoved. Instead of listening, he is done waiting and he has a plan. A plan for each and every one of us. We can’t stand in his way. He’s going to get done what he needs to be done. If we can’t hear the gentle call then sometimes it takes an uncomfortable shove. That’s me. I get scared on certain things especially when it involves opening myself up for criticism and letting people in past the walls I have constructed.
This right here, typing my thoughts out is pretty frightening. You see I have certain faces I let people see and certain things I let people know. I think we all do. We keep the ugliest, most savage ones for the ones we live with and then there are some we don’t even let them see. We save those for when we are by ourselves. I have a story and I feel like I am supposed to share it with people. At least that’s what I’m hearing. I am running from this because it scares me yet it excites me at the same time. Hebrews 12:1 says “Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles” Which means we need to pinpoint those things that are holding us back as well as any sins God brings to our attention.
I feel like God is saying “What part did you not understand!?” Just like we say to our children or someone who is just plain not getting it when you have said something very plain and very clear. Like, unload the dishwasher. I didn’t speak in Swahili, what part did you not understand? My 18 year old sometimes gets the english language confused. I think they grow out of it when they have children. Really though, I think that’s what God wants to say to us sometimes. “Are you deaf, what part did you not understand about what I so clearly told you to do?”
August 1st I will be 2 years sober. I thought when I stopped drinking I would get through all of the hard physical, mental and just the downright drag of being one of those people who don’t drink anymore, and I would be rewarded. I did it. I took this horrible ugly sin that was ruining me, my marriage, my relationship with my child, with God everything around me and I gave it up. I went from being life of the party, social butterfly, great figure, great clothes yada yada yada to an over weight, depressed, shut in that had no voice. That’s my reward? That’s what I get? I should feel better, I should be healthier, I should be kicking my heels together. You know what no one tells you? The hardest part about not drinking, is feeling. Not the feeling of wanting a drink but the feeling of being in your own skin. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last 2 years and it sucks. That’s the best way I know how to put it. I’m tired of running, I’m tired of just being here, I’ve traded one addiction for another, food (sugar). Which is very common. I’m going to throw off everything that is hindering me and it will be hard. I’m asking God to show me the sins I don’t even realize are there. I’m going to fall but I’m going to get back up. I’m going to open my eyes and ears up to what he’s been saying very plainly and clearly for the past 2 years and finally say “I understand, maybe not all, but this little piece right here that you want me to do. I got that Lord, hold my hand because I’m a little nervous.” Like I said it takes me a minute to get to where I need to be on some things but when I decide I’m going to do something and purpose to do it, I’m all in.
Well I’m finally doing it. Yes, finally taking that step. You know the step we all want to take but we get bullied. Some of us don’t let the bully stick around to long but then there’s others, like me, who wake up and have him on speed dial. He’s the first one you call to make sure he’s going to be with you from the time your feet hit the floor till the time your eyes close at night. I let the bully stick around for years and years and years and well you get the point. I could literally keep that going for the rest of the page. Who is that bully, what is that bully? Fear.
I’m stepping out today and I’ve decided I’m not going to keep fear on speed dial. It is debilitating and I am tired of not living. If you are tired of not living or you’ve ever been bullied by fear, if you are stuck, if you feel like you’ve made so many bad decisions you are beyond saving, if you just want to read someone’s crazy life stories who has a sarcastic sense of humor and an absolutely hilarious family, you found your girl.
I’m Sarah and I’ve been wanting to write to you for quite some time. I’m 44 going on 45, ugh, mother of one 18 year old son and married to my husband Wyatt for for 21 years. I am going on 2 years sober August 1st and I’m ready to live. I have let my fear keep me paralyzed from doing anything but staying in my house for the last 2 years. I mean I get out, I’m not a hermit but I get out in my front yard. I might get out to go to church or a family function. I do go on vacation but on the regular no, I’m in my house. I don’t work and haven’t for about 3 years and I’ve lost my mojo. God has been calling me to write and share my story and fear has bullied me and kept me down and told me I’m not good enough and no one wants to hear what I have to say. People are going to laugh, you’re going to make a fool of yourself. That’s fear and I can just imagine the devil has been sitting around with his feet propped up smoking a cigar and swinging his red pitch forked tail in a circle enjoying how scared I’ve been. Enjoying the dialogue that I’ve got going on in my head. It’s so funny as I sit and write this I am listening to a christian mix station on Spotify. The song, Fear Is A Liar is on by Zach Williams. It says “he will take your breath, stop you in your steps…… he will rob your rest, steal your happiness.” That is so true and so like God to have that playing while I’m writing this. I don’t believe in coincidence or luck or karma I believe in God. We do have a will and God can give us a path to follow or a door to go through but it’s up to us to do our part and take action. Say no to fear and say yes to living.
I hope you will come back and share my journey, past present and future. Share in the Wonders of 1 Woman. You will laugh, cry and rejoice and witness how God has brought me through. He is still bringing me through. Witness how awesome it is that I’m still here. We can help each other. Let’s fight fear together, it’s an every day battle for me.
Sarah – Wonders of 1 Woman