Tag: Depression

Peace He Gives Us

This has been an interesting week. I have struggled with all the things that have taken place in our country. I have been fearful at times, calm at others, confused, confident, angry and sad. I’m sure every feeling there is to have I and everyone else in this country have been taking a ride on that emotional roller coaster and would really like to get off. This whole upheaval is going to mess up the second half of my life. Huh?

Yes, that was my thought last night. You people need to get your act together. Can we not just go back to how it used to be. Republicans, democrats, yeah we don’t like each other’s policies but we aren’t drawing a line in the sand and saying, “Don’t you cross it or I’ll rage on you.” I want to yell at the Trump supporters who took an extreme and unlawful position at the Capital. You ruined it for the rest of us. Thanks a lot! Now we are all lumped into this title of “The DC Riots.” Which is an all encompassing unfair title. I want to yell at the media for not reporting the news. They thrive and stay in business off of our fear. They don’t report the facts no matter who’s side they are telling. No matter what network you are watching. I want to yell at the looters from this past year. You know what I have seen change in my town? The name of a High School. That is great but the underlying problems we are talking about are not any better. Burning down property, beating people up and instilling fear in others does not bring us where we need to be. When I think about all this, I just take it all in and I think, we can never go back. We can never fix all this. This is the beginning of the end. Again you people are messing up the second half of my life.

Why? Well I’ll tell you why. I have things mapped out. Wyatt is going to work for so many more years we will be able to travel and enjoy all that we have worked so hard for. We certainly can’t do that if we are having pandemics, burning things down, having riots, looters and protests. We can’t do that if we are in the middle of Revelations. Oh Lord, is Jesus coming back soon. I’m going to miss going to Rome. I knew it. I have wanted to go to Rome forever. Jesus, can you just back things up a bit if you are coming back now. Besides if things are about to blow up and we lose things like our utilities, I don’t do well when I can’t wash my hair. I’m getting ready to cover my porch and add a patio and fire pit outside. Well, I won’t be able to enjoy that. (Throws hands up in the air). Yeah, that’s my insane thoughts. As if God should consider those issues when his plan is being carried out. STOP! Sarah has to go to Rome first. Then! I can darken the sun and the moon and let the stars fall from the sky. I really have to laugh at myself. Those are such selfish thoughts. I have now played the end of the world completely out. I am having an anxiety attack or I’ve taken to much sinus medication. Well maybe I won’t build a patio. If I’m not going to use it then what’s the point. Should I just sit here and wait for things to fall completely off the rails. Then I take a breath and say I don’t know these things. Why am I so afraid. But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. – Matthew 24:36. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27.

It is human nature to be afraid and to think of ones self. At least I think so. I’m not a psychologist but that’s the word according to Wonder Woman. I have to bring it back to Jesus. Which is what I do. Times like this when I’m all these feelings then I have to come to ground. My eyesight also gets blurry to. I start to see things not with God’s eyes but with my eye’s and my eye’s can be very judgmental, hateful and proud. It’s time to bring it to ground. Ground will always be God. I nor does anyone else know when Jesus is coming back. I do not know how bad this chaos is going to get that we are experiencing right now. As far as things going back to the way they were, that’s not going to happen and there are reasons why it shouldn’t. I am certain that Jesus said “Peace I leave with you;” So when I’m checking myself at ground level I know that he says specifically “do not be afraid.” Now I am human so I can’t just shut that off and never be afraid but I have a living God who is never afraid.

I don’t know what to expect in the coming months. God does. I don’t know if I will go to Rome or get to use my patio. Those things are so trivial and ridiculous that they would actually be a concern. When you have anxiety it’s crazy where your mind goes and the onslaught of bizarre thoughts that come at lightening speed. I guess for me this kind of climate can have the power to grab a hold of me and drag me around by my hair and let me know one minute to the next how I should feel or react. I will continually take the power back and not be a prisoner to the fear in this world. I want to grab a hold of the peace he left to me, the peace he gave to me as much as I can.

The Rock

Do you ever go to church and think, are you spying on me? Did God tell you directly to write that sermon for me? I almost felt a little paranoid this past Sunday. I was beginning to wonder if my Pastor hacked into my home security camera’s. I mean the worship music, the sermon everything it couldn’t have been more spot on. I haven’t been in a while with everything that has gone on. That’s no excuse. There is no good excuse. That is all the more reason to go and make time for church and to hear the word of God and be loved on. Sometimes we are so quick to be so lazy on the things that we need and are so good for us and are so quick to pick up the things that can do us so much harm. So I made it back this past Sunday and I do know that my Pastor did not hack into my home security system but he sure did preach. It was for me, and I’m sure others but God sure did give me ears to hear on Sunday. Now let’s do this!!!

I leave church and I always feel like when I leave its like a football huddle. We all have our heads together, we are all given the plays, we’re hyped up, ready to conquer, we have our arms around eachother in a great big circle kind of doing a little jumpy dance, the Pastor yells break and we all jump up and yell, GO TEAM!!! That usually makes for a great Sunday. There is usually good food on Sunday, Football (I happen to know that God is a Steelers Fan, he does have a Terrible Towel). But seriously, church just feeds your mind, body and soul. It always helps me get a handle on my week and I can sit down and break out my super planner and schedule for the next day. Each night I sit down and write out individual things I need to accomplish for the next day. I mean right down to when I’m going to eat breakfast. Don’t judge. So here’s the thing. I have a couple of things that I let steal time from me.

Like so many others I suffer from migraine headaches and I have for 20+ years. I think I have been on every medication out there and I continually try new things that come out on the market. I wake up on a regular basis with a migraine headache so that throws my whole day off. A lot of times it can take my whole day from me. Sometimes several days from me. I also suffer from depression which has a really good relationship with these stolen days. It’s very hard to suffer from a migraine and be down a day or two or more. I can send myself into a spiraling hole of depression. The struggle is real and it all takes place in my head.

It has gotten much better. There was a time quite a few years ago that I could not function. I could do the bare minimum. Which was take my son to school and pick him up. I think I managed to function just enough to get through the day. It really all came to a head when I decided I didn’t want to be here anymore. I thought Wyatt would be better off without the stress of me in his life. He would not have to continually worry about me. I know JT felt like a caretaker and that was no way for a child to feel about his mother. He should be a kid. He should be with friends, having fun not worrying about whether I was going to be ok. I just wanted them to stop worrying about me and I just wanted to stop hurting every single day. So I decided to stop hurting and take a bunch of prescription sleeping pills and attempted to cut my wrist. I was so tired by the time I tried to cut myself that all I managed to do was scratch myself. Wyatt was at home and he was working in the garage and kept coming in because he felt that something was wrong and I finally told him what I did. He took me to the emergency room and I was admitted to St. Mary’s Mental Health Ward. I spent almost a week there, they changed up my meds, I was released and began counseling.

There are a couple of things that are important to me to point out about that time in my life. 1: Prior to this happening I had changed Dr.’s and he had changed my depression medication. I had called him for a month. I had made 4 phone calls and told him I did not feel right. There was something wrong with these meds and I did not feel like myself and was feeling even more depressed than I was before I started taking them. Each time I was told “Just give it some time, they will get better.” The last time I called I was told, “Dr. —– can not help you. You are going to have to find someone else. You need to see another Dr.” 2. The first thing I said to Wyatt when I got to the car that day when leaving St. Mary’s “I’m so glad to be out. The first thing I want to do is go home, have a cigarette and a glass of wine.” It is very important for everyone to understand this. I am positive there was something wrong with my depression meds. I’m not saying it was the total cause of why I did what I did. It is very important that when you start taking something new that is supposed to alter your brain chemistry you let people around you know. That you Dr. is attentive and listens to your concerns. You know your body best. My Dr. was negligent in my opinion. He should have brought me back in. Those little warnings on the commercial or in fine print on the leaflet can and do happen. Pay close attention to your loved ones who are on these depression meds. It was also important to me to get back to self medicating myself with alcohol as soon as I got out but Wyatt and I weren’t identifying that as the problem. It was the depression. I’m pretty sure alcohol doesn’t mix with those meds.

I am so beyond thankful God brought me through that. I didn’t want to die. My family would not be better off without me. God has things for me to do! I wish I could say that I turned everything around from there but you might know by now I think I know better. I know that is a whole lot to take in and maybe more than you want to know. I feel like a lot of times as Christians we feel we are not supposed to talk about those kinds of things. We don’t suffer with depression, we don’t do things like try to commit suicide. We don’t smoke, we’re not alcoholics and we certainly don’t get committed. We’re all happy. We have Jesus!! Can you tell me where that group of Christians is because I’ld like to make sure I steer clear. I’m not sure of anywhere in the Bible where Jesus said if you believe in me life will be one big walk in the park. In fact just the opposite. – Remember what I told you: A servant is not greater than his master. If they persecuted me they will persecute you also. John 15:20 – In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, 2 Timothy 3:12 – strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. “We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,” they said. Acts 14:22.

As believers we are going to have hardships that we come under, some more than others. Some of our own making and some not. No matter if from our own making or from God it’s what we do with it. How we get through it. Illnesses that can keep us down. Depression that can take over our minds and bodies mentally and physically. Substance Abuse that is slowly robbing us of everything we hold dear. A lost job threatening your financial situation. A bad marriage, a violent spouse and you don’t know where to turn. An out of control child and you feel like you are held hostage in your own home. Gossip spread about you that has no merit to it what so ever yet it is ruining your reputation. Compulsive lying and you don’t know how to stop. Death, expected or unexpected. There are so many trials we will go through while we are here on earth and each one that belongs to us can feel like climbing Mt. Everest. I can certainly say I have not done a great job approaching some of my mountains I have come up against. My initial reaction has not been to immediately turn to God. That’s our flesh. That’s the world. If you are in this world and of this world you have a lot of options. Drink your problems away partying with friends, complain, blame, send your problem away, violence, denial, look to false Gods. None of those will bring you peace. If you are in this world but not of it you have one place to go. Jesus. You have to face the truth. That’s not always very easy. I am certainly learning that. I’ve tried for so many years to ignore Jesus and use the ways of the world and it finally came crashing down. What I feel starting to form under my feet is that rock.

I’m building my house upon the rock. It’s going to take a while but that’s ok. No strong house was ever built in a day and you have to make sure your foundation is good and solid. I’ve got a lot of construction ahead and I’m sure storms are going to come and delay my work. I just need to know that this house will always have need for repairs and additions. She’s going to keep on standing but occasionally when those hurricanes rip through a shingle or two or three or even a deck is going to need replaced.

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had it’s foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mind and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27

Freeing

I woke up this morning and the bully was back. It’s not like he went to far and I really didn’t even know he was there sitting in my room. I woke up before my alarm and thought well I could get up now but who wants to do that. I have another hour to sleep so, yeah, sleep is your friend. Then my alarm went off and I was so tired. Just a few more minutes. I felt like I hadn’t slept, depressed, I didn’t want to get out of bed. So a few minutes turned into 2 hours. What is wrong with me? I’m depressed. That’s what’s wrong but why? I do suffer with depression and I’m on medication and have been for a long time but sometimes I think that’s an easy escape. Oh, I’m just depressed today. What’s going on with me? Well when I really search myself and try to find out what’s going on I look across the room and there he sits. Fear!!! I’m afraid. I’m afraid to get out of bed. I did something last night and frankly I don’t want to know what you people think or have to say. I told you all about my blog. I was ok the day before yesterday when it was just my family but oh my gosh now real people know. As if my family is not real. People that will judge and if I just stay here under my covers I will be safe. I can even take it down before that many people will see it. But, and as we always say in my family, there’s always a big but, do you really want to stay under the covers for the rest of your life? I do not!!

You see God blessed me this morning. With your words. I cried. I ugly cried this morning. With some of the things that people wrote and some of the encouraging words that were left for me. It was so freeing. It wasn’t a freeing like oh wow I might not be that bad of a writer. It was a freeing like I’m not hiding anymore. If any of you thought my life was just peachy, haha jokes on you. No really, it was freeing like when I told my husband I was an alcoholic. That was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life. I mean if you know Wyatt there is no turning back from that. I couldn’t just say well I was overstating that, I just need to cut down for a while, I’m just going through a rough patch and have gotten a little crazy. No, I had a problem and we were going to face it, head on, together.

We went on vacation in 2 days and boy I thought have you lost your mind. You should have at least waited until you got back to tell him. Now you have ruined your whole vacation because you can’t drink. Way to go genius. Well this genius went to BJ’s and bought those extra large hydrogen peroxide bottles rinsed them out and filled them with vodka. Hey who doesn’t need a lot of hydrogen peroxide on vacation. Not so much of a genius when your eyes are looking a little glassy by bedtime each day. That guy though he’s an amazing man and God sure gave him the patience of Job because he has not once said anything about leaving. Do you know how freeing that is? Do you know how freeing it is to have someone know you, the lies, the ugly parts, the things that only you know about yourself? It is extremely freeing and for the first time I realized what unconditional love for someone other than your child truly was and that I had not been giving it to him. Can you imagine how unloved he must have felt. We alcoholics/addicts think it’s all about us. Can you imagine how free he would like to be from being a caretaker and just wanting to be a husband? You see we need to free ourselves from our secrets but our secrets hold others in captivity too.

Someone wrote this morning the most beautiful way to describe this because I asked for some advice on the blog as they had started with a blog as well. Her advice was “remember that the biggest thing that God probably wants to accomplish in all of this is loving on YOU!! Blogging can be a wonderful romance between us and Jesus.” It doesn’t get anymore beautiful than that. If your sin is holding someone else captive set them free by letting yourself free and letting them in but especially let Jesus in. He already knows everything there is to know he just wants to love on you.