Facing Fear

Where were you? Do you remember? I’ve heard most people liken it to knowing where they were when President Kennedy was shot. Where were you when you heard or saw the first report of something happening at the World Trade Center? Did you tune in at the very beginning when it was some type of explosion and no one knew how it happened? Did you tune in as the second plane hit and gasp in sheer terror? I think for the majority of us we know exactly where we were.

I was at home with a 6 month old baby living in Lafayette, Indiana. Wyatt was getting ready to walk out the door for work and JT and I had just finished breakfast. I think that was one of the most terrifying days of my life. I remember being in my living room after putting JT down from a nap and being so overcome with fear. I had no family near. All of my family lived in Virginia and North Carolina and I just felt so very far away from everyone that I loved in that moment. The only thing I could do was hit the floor on my knees and cry out to God and pray. I wept and prayed and buried my face in the floor and just cried to God for the people in the buildings, the first responders, for the people in the planes, the Pentagon, the plane that crashed in the field. I prayed for so many things that morning. That was the first day of many that I was glued to my TV crying and praying and hoping.

Our country changed forever that day. We have so many different tragedies that befall us and can give us a spirit of fear. Shootings and natural disasters, the fate of our government gives some people a spirit of fear. More terrorist attacks. You name it, there is a lot of things we could fear from the time we get up in the morning to the time we lay our head down at night. Well that is if you sleep. Maybe you are so afraid you have a hard time sleeping. I could just stay in my house for the rest of my life if I let fear overtake me. There is one thing that kept coming through during that time back in 2001. God did not give us a spirit of fear. – For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 We are not to walk around afraid or stay closed up somewhere so nothing happens to us. God created us to share his love with those around us. We can’t do that if we are afraid.

I always remember that scripture on this day every year. God did not give me a spirit of fear, in short. I think for a long time I thought I had that under control. I’m not afraid. I walk with courage and power and love. I was mistaken. I had a lot of liquid courage. I used Vodka to give me courage. I was lying to myself. I was so afraid. I did have a spirit of fear. I certainly wouldn’t compare my walk to those who have experienced the type of terrifying tragedies that I mentioned above. I was still fearful. Fearful that something would happen to me or my family. Fearful that I couldn’t raise this little baby boy to be better than me. Fearful that he would be just like me. Fearful that I wasn’t a good wife. Fearful to go out in public. Fearful of me. Fearful of who I am as a person and not letting anyone know who I really am. That was my biggest fear of them all. I conquered my fear. All it took was alcohol. That conquered a multitude of fears. Really it just turned me into a drunk. Then I was just afraid that someone would find out how much I was drinking and how often. ‘Round the mountain we go. I thought I was conquering my fear when I stopped drinking. I really just found another way to hide and I’m ready to face this fear head on.

So today on this anniversary of 9/11 I want to take time to remember all the people that lost their lives, all the people that fought to save lives on this day. All the families that were affected by this senseless tragedy. This was just such a far reaching act of terroristic proportions that one can not name all those that were possibly affected. Lets pray for God to wrap them up today especially but every day in his peace and that they are drawn closer to him. Lets face our fears with a spirit of power and of love and of sound mind. – What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31

Freeing

I woke up this morning and the bully was back. It’s not like he went to far and I really didn’t even know he was there sitting in my room. I woke up before my alarm and thought well I could get up now but who wants to do that. I have another hour to sleep so, yeah, sleep is your friend. Then my alarm went off and I was so tired. Just a few more minutes. I felt like I hadn’t slept, depressed, I didn’t want to get out of bed. So a few minutes turned into 2 hours. What is wrong with me? I’m depressed. That’s what’s wrong but why? I do suffer with depression and I’m on medication and have been for a long time but sometimes I think that’s an easy escape. Oh, I’m just depressed today. What’s going on with me? Well when I really search myself and try to find out what’s going on I look across the room and there he sits. Fear!!! I’m afraid. I’m afraid to get out of bed. I did something last night and frankly I don’t want to know what you people think or have to say. I told you all about my blog. I was ok the day before yesterday when it was just my family but oh my gosh now real people know. As if my family is not real. People that will judge and if I just stay here under my covers I will be safe. I can even take it down before that many people will see it. But, and as we always say in my family, there’s always a big but, do you really want to stay under the covers for the rest of your life? I do not!!

You see God blessed me this morning. With your words. I cried. I ugly cried this morning. With some of the things that people wrote and some of the encouraging words that were left for me. It was so freeing. It wasn’t a freeing like oh wow I might not be that bad of a writer. It was a freeing like I’m not hiding anymore. If any of you thought my life was just peachy, haha jokes on you. No really, it was freeing like when I told my husband I was an alcoholic. That was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life. I mean if you know Wyatt there is no turning back from that. I couldn’t just say well I was overstating that, I just need to cut down for a while, I’m just going through a rough patch and have gotten a little crazy. No, I had a problem and we were going to face it, head on, together.

We went on vacation in 2 days and boy I thought have you lost your mind. You should have at least waited until you got back to tell him. Now you have ruined your whole vacation because you can’t drink. Way to go genius. Well this genius went to BJ’s and bought those extra large hydrogen peroxide bottles rinsed them out and filled them with vodka. Hey who doesn’t need a lot of hydrogen peroxide on vacation. Not so much of a genius when your eyes are looking a little glassy by bedtime each day. That guy though he’s an amazing man and God sure gave him the patience of Job because he has not once said anything about leaving. Do you know how freeing that is? Do you know how freeing it is to have someone know you, the lies, the ugly parts, the things that only you know about yourself? It is extremely freeing and for the first time I realized what unconditional love for someone other than your child truly was and that I had not been giving it to him. Can you imagine how unloved he must have felt. We alcoholics/addicts think it’s all about us. Can you imagine how free he would like to be from being a caretaker and just wanting to be a husband? You see we need to free ourselves from our secrets but our secrets hold others in captivity too.

Someone wrote this morning the most beautiful way to describe this because I asked for some advice on the blog as they had started with a blog as well. Her advice was “remember that the biggest thing that God probably wants to accomplish in all of this is loving on YOU!! Blogging can be a wonderful romance between us and Jesus.” It doesn’t get anymore beautiful than that. If your sin is holding someone else captive set them free by letting yourself free and letting them in but especially let Jesus in. He already knows everything there is to know he just wants to love on you.