Tag: God

Worshipping The Joneses

Unless you have been under a rock lately, then you have seen or heard the praise or the disdain for the performances and videos coming from the music industry. Whether you were in the praise column or the disdain column, our music has become a worship of everything in excess. We celebrate living a life of sexual immorality, accumulating as much wealth as possible, and having the biggest and best of everything. There is a desire to keep up with the Joneses! Our Joneses seem to be celebrities. We all strive to look as good as our favorite singer, influencer or actor. I’ll take JLo’s butt, Kim Kardashian’s waist, and Charlize Theron’s Legs…. I do it too so I’m not pointing fingers. By the time I’m done, I will have created a new person. Who am I worshipping?

CBS was ready to worship Sam Smith as they tweeted “We are ready to worship” in response to Sam Smith’s sneak peek at his Grammy rehearsal. Smith’s provocative dance included a top hat adorned with devil horns and Petra, looking like she was enjoying her place in hell. When they received a massive blow back, they quickly did an about face and removed it. They rewarded the performance with thunderous applause and a standing ovation. These are the people we idolize and look up to.

Rihanna’s Superbowl performance was celebrated everywhere and was said by fans to have made a “powerful statement” for women all over the world. Really? What kind of statement does it make to grab your crotch and then smell your hand? She must have grabbed herself at least ten more times during the rest of her performance. When we talk about a woman making a “powerful statement” I think of women like Corrie Ten Boom or Miriam Makeba. I am not trying to shred Rihanna’s halftime performance. You either liked it or you didn’t. I am sure Rihanna has done several things to be recognized for as she is such a successful businesswoman. My point is maybe we need to re-think who we and especially our young women are looking up to.

There is power in music. I need to listen to what is coming out of my radio. I need to think about who I look up to. Who am I idolizing? What am I worshipping? There are a lot of celebrities that thank God for their many blessings. Don’t get fooled. There are all kinds of gods, that’s gods with a little g. People can talk about and worship any of those little gods. There is only one God, that’s God with a big G. Entertainment is good and fun until it’s not. Oh, be careful little ears what you hear! Oh, be careful little eyes what you see! Remember that song from Sunday school? We should guard our ears and eyes as we guard our hearts. Ultimately, God is in control and we must rely on him to help us navigate through all this chaos. – For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations. Psalm 100:5 And those are my thoughts!

Peace He Gives Us

This has been an interesting week. I have struggled with all the things that have taken place in our country. I have been fearful at times, calm at others, confused, confident, angry and sad. I’m sure every feeling there is to have I and everyone else in this country have been taking a ride on that emotional roller coaster and would really like to get off. This whole upheaval is going to mess up the second half of my life. Huh?

Yes, that was my thought last night. You people need to get your act together. Can we not just go back to how it used to be. Republicans, democrats, yeah we don’t like each other’s policies but we aren’t drawing a line in the sand and saying, “Don’t you cross it or I’ll rage on you.” I want to yell at the Trump supporters who took an extreme and unlawful position at the Capital. You ruined it for the rest of us. Thanks a lot! Now we are all lumped into this title of “The DC Riots.” Which is an all encompassing unfair title. I want to yell at the media for not reporting the news. They thrive and stay in business off of our fear. They don’t report the facts no matter who’s side they are telling. No matter what network you are watching. I want to yell at the looters from this past year. You know what I have seen change in my town? The name of a High School. That is great but the underlying problems we are talking about are not any better. Burning down property, beating people up and instilling fear in others does not bring us where we need to be. When I think about all this, I just take it all in and I think, we can never go back. We can never fix all this. This is the beginning of the end. Again you people are messing up the second half of my life.

Why? Well I’ll tell you why. I have things mapped out. Wyatt is going to work for so many more years we will be able to travel and enjoy all that we have worked so hard for. We certainly can’t do that if we are having pandemics, burning things down, having riots, looters and protests. We can’t do that if we are in the middle of Revelations. Oh Lord, is Jesus coming back soon. I’m going to miss going to Rome. I knew it. I have wanted to go to Rome forever. Jesus, can you just back things up a bit if you are coming back now. Besides if things are about to blow up and we lose things like our utilities, I don’t do well when I can’t wash my hair. I’m getting ready to cover my porch and add a patio and fire pit outside. Well, I won’t be able to enjoy that. (Throws hands up in the air). Yeah, that’s my insane thoughts. As if God should consider those issues when his plan is being carried out. STOP! Sarah has to go to Rome first. Then! I can darken the sun and the moon and let the stars fall from the sky. I really have to laugh at myself. Those are such selfish thoughts. I have now played the end of the world completely out. I am having an anxiety attack or I’ve taken to much sinus medication. Well maybe I won’t build a patio. If I’m not going to use it then what’s the point. Should I just sit here and wait for things to fall completely off the rails. Then I take a breath and say I don’t know these things. Why am I so afraid. But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. – Matthew 24:36. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27.

It is human nature to be afraid and to think of ones self. At least I think so. I’m not a psychologist but that’s the word according to Wonder Woman. I have to bring it back to Jesus. Which is what I do. Times like this when I’m all these feelings then I have to come to ground. My eyesight also gets blurry to. I start to see things not with God’s eyes but with my eye’s and my eye’s can be very judgmental, hateful and proud. It’s time to bring it to ground. Ground will always be God. I nor does anyone else know when Jesus is coming back. I do not know how bad this chaos is going to get that we are experiencing right now. As far as things going back to the way they were, that’s not going to happen and there are reasons why it shouldn’t. I am certain that Jesus said “Peace I leave with you;” So when I’m checking myself at ground level I know that he says specifically “do not be afraid.” Now I am human so I can’t just shut that off and never be afraid but I have a living God who is never afraid.

I don’t know what to expect in the coming months. God does. I don’t know if I will go to Rome or get to use my patio. Those things are so trivial and ridiculous that they would actually be a concern. When you have anxiety it’s crazy where your mind goes and the onslaught of bizarre thoughts that come at lightening speed. I guess for me this kind of climate can have the power to grab a hold of me and drag me around by my hair and let me know one minute to the next how I should feel or react. I will continually take the power back and not be a prisoner to the fear in this world. I want to grab a hold of the peace he left to me, the peace he gave to me as much as I can.

Fear Of The Lord

It’s the start of a new year. I know that it’s time to drop bad habits and start good ones. It’s the time of year when we all put so much pressure on ourselves to try and be the best version of ourselves. What does that mean? I’ve never really been a New Years Resolution kind of gal but I think we all say generally we will eat healthier, exercise more, drink more water those types of things. What does that mean spiritually? That’s what hit me this morning. I know the changes I want to make with my body and I know the things that need to be done to get where I want to be but spiritually, where am I and where do I want to be? Where does God want me to be?

I spent another New Years sober which is something to celebrate for me. That road has been pretty rocky since my sister died. There have been a lot of pot holes and the path is a real ankle twister. This is the 2nd year in a row that I have had someone in my immediate family die and navigating through my feelings is a daily trek in need of hiking boots. It’s the comfort I miss in my drink. My friend and companion that has been there so long with me. Any alcoholic or addict will tell you that. For me it’s a he and he’s like a friend. Not a very good friend but he’s there and he doesn’t judge you and doesn’t talk back to you he’s just there when he needs to be and he’s warm and he’s numb. He’s also jealous and won’t allow me to have any relationships with my family. He won’t allow me to be shared with anyone especially Wyatt. He wants me all to himself and won’t stop till he has me right where he wants me. All to himself after I have demolished every relationship I have and he is all that is left. So of course I need to continue this journey and continue to battle and know this is not just a battle of the physical body but a battle of the mind, the spirit. There are things fighting for me to give in and give up but there are stronger, tougher things seen and unseen fighting for me to stay in it. It’s worth it. I have been called to stay in it. Spiritually, where am I, am I moving forward, where do I want to be, where does God want me?

I have so many things rollling around in this brain of mine. You would be scared if you could see in there. I have so many ideas and projects and things I want to work on. Pretty big things that I dare not say out loud because that might actually put them out into the universe. I might actually have to overcome my fear and move forward on what I feel I am supposed to be doing. If I do that though, I just might be rejected and I just might fail. That’s a whole lot of just mights and maybe, what if. That all sounds like failure to me. You have no idea how hard this is to write. Again there are so many reasons I can come up with not to move forward but there are bigger, greater more powerful reasons to trust God and move forward.

We all struggle. Some harder than others and I for sure know others have much harder struggles than I do. My sobriety and a few projects I have been rolling around were at the forefront of my mind when I thought about this New Year. This 2021. Like I said most of us go to taking care of our bodies and we know how to do that or how to go wherever we need to go to have someone to help us do that. Do we always look at where we are spiritually? Where we are with God. I want my focus to be there. I know I can’t do anything without God so why would I not start there? Why would I not feed my mind and my soul? Without the word of God and his guidance in my life and seeking him in prayer what foundation do I have? It says in the Bible – The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding Proverbs 9:10 I don’t know how many times that is in the Bible. I stopped counting at 9 maybe that’s it, maybe there’s more. I am not a Bible scholar. What I do know is that it’s important. It’s something I want to explore this year.

So I’m going to focus first spiritually on what it means to fear the Lord. How is that the beginning of wisdom? There is so much more behind that scripture than when you just read it at face value. I know whatever God has for me this year (I hope one of those things is to burn this mask) I have to have a strong foundation. I can only do that by understanding how to build the foundation correctly. In order to gain that understanding I need to fear the Lord to even begin to have wisdom. How am I going to do that? Well I’m going to do that by figuring out just what God means by that and the only way I know how to do that is by getting to know him better than I do today. I will never understand if I don’t have a relationship with my Lord and God Jesus Christ. I pray we all have a better year than last year and I will continue to ask God to let me wake up 30 lbs lighter in the morning. Who knows, he does do miracles. Faith of a mustard seed people!!

The It

Sin is so attractive? Doesn’t it make so much sense? It’s so reasonable. You deserve it. You’ve worked for it or earned it. It feels good or else you wouldn’t do it. Some of those sins we share with other people. Some we find that we want to keep hidden and do them in the dark, in the privacy of our own home. You know the most obvious ones. Alcohol if your an alcoholic, drugs, pornography, having an affair down to what we consider little white lies. “Oh these shoes? I’ve had them forever.” Says the wife so her husband won’t get irritated about the money spent on them. The argument is just exhausting. That’s a sin that makes a lot of sense to a lot of women. The same goes for men. Not wanting to hear us moan and groan about getting together with guys after work so you may be working late. Those little white lies. You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s not like you’re cheating. It’s not hurting anyone. Your just saving each other from the evening of arguing. Your actually doing each other a favor.

OK, before you go saying those examples are sexist, it’s what I came up with. Apply it to your life however you like. Maybe the husband is buying shoes and the wife is having drinks. Either way this all comes out the same. I had the opportunity to stay an evening in Miami alone. My brother and I made the trip to get Miriam together but he flew out before I did. It’s seldom I’m alone or in a place where I can do anything I want and absolutely no one will know. Now I have worked very hard the last three years and have not had a drink. I never thought I would say those words. Drinking and I were a couple as far as I was concerned. I was in a hotel 961 miles away from anyone who could physically show up. To drink or not to drink? That is the question. So goes the mind and how I deserve it. No one will ever know. Right down there in the hotel lobby. There is not a soul here that knows me. I have had so much loss and why can’t I just be numb for a while. Only one. Well, only two. Well that probably wouldn’t do it. So, maybe three and a shot just to take the edge off. I couldn’t move off the bed. I kept finding shows to watch and literally could not move from my spot on the bed. I honestly don’t know what I watched that night but I do know I ordered room service and had the best Cuban sandwich I have ever eaten and Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia instead of three and a shot. I did get up to answer the door for room service but locked myself in, jammied up and covered up like there was a blizzard outside.

Cheers to sleeping all night and no drinking, I slept with prayers from my Mom because I don’t know about anyone else but it is also skooky (that is not a typo I meant to type skooky) to be in a hotel room by yourself. Maybe it’s just me. Get ready, feeling good, make sure Miriams ashes are safe and secure for travel. Fly out of Miami and had a lay over in Charlotte. Well Satan and all of hell must have said “Hell NO” (haha get it). Any way they weren’t giving up that easy. My gate that I landed at was literally I think at one end of Charlotte Douglas Airport and the one I had to fly out of must have been at the complete opposite end. I need to stop and grab a drink and start my trek. I kid you not every time I looked up there was an airport pub, tavern something advertising a place to sit down and have some type of alcohol. I must have been hallucinating because when I looked up I saw a bar with liquor bottles behind it and empty chairs at the bar every time I looked for somewhere to buy a soda. I started walking so fast I was sweating purfusely. Then the my mind starts going. Last call, your so stressed, just stop and have one. One can’t possibly hurt anyone. THEN……JESUS said “Do you know how many steps you are getting on your Fitbit? Do you know what your heart rate is right now.” If you stop you will break that rhythm you have going and between this and the Miami airport you could probably burn off that Cuban sandwich. I bet you could get all your steps in today without getting on the treadmill.” I’m not kidding y’all. Jesus was keeping track of my steps and he was like, you go girl, keep moving, keep that heart rate up!! So then it became a challenge of not stopping until I got to my gate. AND I DID!!!! Without stopping. I’m sure people thought they might have to call EMS because walking like that with a mask on is some kind of hard. I was really loud, like I was the only one there and just ran a marathon. Thank you, I’ld like to thank my husband Wyatt, for loving me, my Mom and my sister for always supporting me, my Son for being such an inspiration in my life…… Yeah.

So, I made it home and felt magnificent getting that bear hug at the airport from Wyatt. I know I had lots of help on my trip. I had lots of prayer and Jesus held my hand. The thing is, the biggest lie we tell ourselves is that no one will ever know. Yes, they will know. If your sobriety means something to you and to the ones you love you will not be able to keep that a secret. Not only will it tear you down but you will feel as if you let everyone else down. Please don’t think I am saying relapses don’t and should never happen. That is not at all what I am saying but the lie we tell ourselves that no one will ever know is that. A lie. Being sober is hard. I’m not sure if it ever gets easy and you can just walk on by without a care. I do know right now today I am sober and I am so very blessed and thankful for all the people in the my life that helped me get there.

I will leave you with this because we all need to remember this. If you are an addict or maybe you’re not. Temptation can come your way whoever you are. I didn’t just come out of the gate an addict. IT’S seductive, IT’S logical, IT’S deserved, IT’S pleasurable and IT will rear IT’S ugly head when you least expect it. IT likes the element of surprise. That IT will be whatever you need IT to be.

Wait For It….

It’s getting close. Can you feel it. I’m sure your phone is blowing up with texts and calls. Every other commercial on TV, bashing this politician or that one. Telling you who you should vote for and why. I’m getting ready to go put my hip waiters on because it’s getting deep. On both sides. You can’t walk in either direction without stepping in it. Breathe, yes breathe, I am not here to try to convince you who to vote for. You get enough of that from everywhere else you look.

Calm down, stop beating your friends, family and even people you don’t know over the head because they don’t have the same political beliefs as you. We are all going to go vote and hopefully we will all handle it like adults. Lord a mercy I know that’s wishful thinking. You know what though? Our next president has already been decided. I wish I had the inside scoop and could fill you in but God and I are not tight like “that”. We talk but he’s not about letting me know the future. So unfair.

I know that can seem flippant and you can shrug that off but it’s very true. God is not going to be surprised on Election Day. He is not going to be sitting on his throne and look over at Peter and say “ huh, well I didn’t see that coming.” Yes, we all need to do our duty and vote and feel honored and proud that we live in a country where we are free to cast our votes. What we shouldn’t do is put our hope and faith and all we are in whatever man or woman is sitting in the White House or in congress all the way down to our Mayors and Chiefs of Police. They are people and they are fallible. I’m not saying anything new or shocking but we need to start getting behind the leaders who are elected. That doesn’t mean supporting everything that comes down the pike if it goes against what we stand for but this constant bashing and tearing down of people is just relentless. How do we expect our children to act any better if we as adults are acting like our children?

Our next President may not be who I vote for. He is still my President. I still live in the United States of America. There is all this talk of change in our country. How are we to change if we are losing friends over our political beliefs. I can’t be your friend or vice versa because we have different opinions. That just hurts my heart.

My reading today was in Psalm 104 and verse 24 jumped out to me. The whole Psalm is actually beautiful if you read it. Verse 24: How many are your works, Lord! In wisdom you made them all. – Think about that. How many are your works!!!! Too many to count. He made them all! Our knowledge is finite while his is infinite. We can’t even begin to comprehend all that he has done. God did give us the mind of Jesus Christ and he will provide us the wisdom we need in every situation if we will just listen. We can’t listen, when we’re arguing or being a keyboard warrior striking out and shooting our words as if they were tiny missiles. We need to learn to be still. We need to learn to seek him first. We need to learn to look on those around us with love. I write this to myself as well. I’m certainly not the poster child for always being calm and showing the love of Christ. I want to be better though. I want to be less like me and more like Jesus.

Like it or not Election Day will be here and there will be a winner and a loser. Be kind, Be still. It doesn’t matter if who you voted for is in office or not that doesn’t stop you from being kind or being still. We can all start the next four years with open dialogue. Not everyone will do this but if just a few take a hold of love it can spread. Use the mind that God gave you and listen for his wisdom. He will give you wisdom if you seek it because in his wisdom he has made all.

Below is a beautiful song. Please listen. It’s by Fernando Ortega. The Creation Song. If you read Psalm 104 and listen to the song it will make sense.

Fly To God

The world is still spinning and life is still happening. Whether it is happening very slow for you or hasn’t changed at all depends on where you are and what you do. Easter was just yesterday and I’m sure like most of you it felt very different this year. My in-laws did not come down. I did not see my son. I had sunrise service in my living room streaming on my TV instead of at Hollywood Cemetery. Which by the way is a beautiful service if you get the chance to join us hopefully next year. It overlooks the river and is led by several different churches one being New Song United Methodist which is where I attend. There are bag pipes playing. Communion is offered if you choose to partake and it’s just so meaningful. Sorry, got a little sidetracked but I look forward to it. I have to say sitting on my couch for sunrise service lost a little something. I looked at Wyatt and said, “Well, that was kind of a let down. But I think that’s my fault.”

It wasn’t the message or how it was delivered. Yes, we all want to get back to doing things like we were, such as going to church and being around people and not worrying if that person is closer than 6’. Did I miss the message though? Did I miss the big reveal? Did I forget the reason I should be overjoyed? All of the things that I do on Easter and leading up to it can be very meaningful and really touch my life but I can’t let those things overshadow or take place of the big surprise. The tomb is empty!! So, if I don’t go to sunrise service at Hollywood cemetery or have my usual meal with my usual people and this day doesn’t go as normal is it “just a let down?” Well, it shouldn’t be. Jesus didn’t forget to rise up out of the tomb! Easter should be a time of celebration. No matter what our circumstances are. I had a good day yesterday. I planted flowers and spent time with Wyatt and my Mom, but I must admit I didn’t feel very Eastery. (That’s a word, yes, it is.) Until today. Until I had time to reflect and think on yesterday and read in my bible this morning.

I’ve been reading Psalms for a while now and I never felt like I could get that much from it. It just seemed to be kind of boring. News Flash!!! God can speak to you from anywhere in his book. You just have to be open and ask him to let you have ears to hear and eyes to see. We are all so busy I think trying to get through this and get back to normal, which is understandable, that we may be missing God’s training. I’m not saying we should all embrace this and let this become our norm but while we are here let’s not run. Let’s see what God has for us. Psalm 55:6 Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. – Yes, oh wouldn’t we. Fly away from all of this and get back to life and get our children back to life and back to work. We need to work and pay bills and get out of this house. Oh, wouldn’t you be at rest then if you could fly away from all of this. But!!! In your escape where are you flying to? Alcohol, food, TV, pornography, drugs or are you just simply filling your time with anything and everything to escape from God? Instead of flying away we should be flying to God. There is a plan for each and everyone of us. You can learn from this time and let God teach you and give you the knowledge you need and the instruction you need to learn during this time. Or, you can fly and you can completely miss out on the knowledge and the instruction that he has for you. He has something greater for me and for you and he will reveal it to me and to you when we are ready. I can live in this and rejoice that the tomb is empty from my couch and get in a different mindset for the day. Let God speak to my heart and accept that where I am can still be used for God’s glory and trust that he is training me for something greater.

So, do I really want things to go back to normal after all is said and done. NO!! I don’t. I want to be better. I’m not sure how I want to be better but I just feel that back to normal is not where I want to be. Back to normal sounds complacent. God give me ears to hear and eyes to see, train me for something greater Lord and let me fly for you when the time is right.

Hope in 2020

We have certainly started off 2020 with a bang! Slowly but surely we are all coming under some type of lockdown. No dining out, no public entertainment, no gatherings of 10 or more people, schools are closed for the rest of the academic year and the list goes on. My family in Charlotte is on a shelter in place order. That’s spreading as the Corona virus spreads. The anxiety, fear, depression and just cabin fever can be overwhelming. There are so many issues to deal with on so many levels.

I know many who are worried about their jobs and wondering if they will have a job to go back to. Worried about how they are going to pay the bills during this time if they have no income coming in. Small businesses are suffering and may close, large businesses are suffering, the economy is in a tail spin, I’m stuck at home with my children for how long? Ahhhhh! This most definitely is the end of the world. The apocalypse. I bet you are glad you decided to read this today. There are a lot of people who are really feeling this right now and then there are a lot of people who feel this is not that bad. Some feel the media is blowing this up, the government is trying to take over and take our guns and our freedoms. A lot of our young people feel invincible and have chosen to continue life as usual and nothing is going to hold them back. So where does that leave me? As I flip flop from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day on this whole thing. I’m sure this is going to be over sooner than later. The CDC and WHO are just being overly cautious to protect us. Oh Lord, the CDC and the WHO don’t really have a handle on this thing at all. We are going to be in our houses for months on end and we are going to lose so many more people than we ever thought. I could literally end up sitting on a rock in my back yard like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Sneaky little viruses. Wicked, tricksy. Your never going to stop. Your going to ravage the world. No, no, I’m not listening, not listening. You don’t have a cure and you’ll never have a cure. No, No. My trust is in the Lord. (If you haven’t seen The Lord of The Rings, that makes no sense at all).

So after all that gloom and doom where am I? What am I doing not to end up on a rock in my backyard speaking to myself in riddles with three strands of hair left? I come to the only place I can and should come to. My God, my rock, my fortress. I have bounced back and forth and some days are good and some days are really a struggle to get through. That’s human nature people. We are going to have those feelings, they are natural. It’s what you do with those feelings. I can’t let them consume me. Rocks are not very comfortable to sit on. When I am having those thoughts and feeling out of control I give it to God. I am praying for his peace to replace my fears and anxiety. When I am feeling peaceful and content I don’t stop talking to God. Well that’s not true. Sometimes I do because it’s easier to talk to God when we are in trouble than when we are doing good and walking down easy street. What I’m saying is don’t just run there in times of trouble, run to him in times of joy. He is with you through all of that. He is not a genie that just shows up when you need him to fix you. The Bible says count it all joy. All of it. That’s not easy and this is not an easy time for anyone. Especially if you have contracted this horrible virus or have lost a loved one. I can’t even begin to imagine your feelings at this time and I won’t pretend it’s just so easy to look up to God and say, I count it all joy. What is the purpose for my tragic loss? If I could put my hand on each and everyone of you and cry with you and pray with you I would. I wish I had all the answers, we all do, but I don’t. I do know that out of every tragedy and heartbreak God can be found “working for the good of those who love him.” Romans 8:28 and his name will be glorified and spread far and wide.

I want to say this before I wrap up. I was reading Psalms today. Psalm 42 and 43. It struck me that in both Psalms there were verses that were exactly the same. Psalm 42:5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God. For I will yet praise him. My Savior and my God. Psalm 43:5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God. For I will yet praise him. My Savior and my God. I think that sums it up pretty good. When you are down, depressed, upset, etc. what can you do? You can put your hope in God, you can praise him. He is your savior and your God. Without hope we have nothing. If you don’t know God as your savior it must be awful hard to have hope. Who or what are you putting your hope in? Man, science, objects false deity’s? If you want that hope and you want peace you need to know Jesus. All you need to have that and know Jesus is to accept him. To believe that he is the son of God. That he was sacrificed and died on the cross for your sins, and was raised from the dead 3 days later. He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God. Your belief in him will save you. You can be filled with his peace and you will have eternal life as he prepares a place for you in his kingdom. No, everyday is not a cakewalk but that’s not what he’s promising. He’s promising you eternal life and a freedom here on earth that rests in our hope and belief in him.

I know that was a lot to read today but I guess I need to write more often. There was a lot trapped up in my brain. Thanks for sticking through it with me. I know I can ramble but there is a point in the end. Please stay safe and enjoy your families with the time that we have been given and be creative in how you spend your time and communicate with those you can’t visit with at this moment.

Filling Hearts

This weekend was amazing. You are never quite aware of how a disease such as cancer can change a personor a family until you are the person or the family that it changes. We have breast cancer awareness month and there is a fundraiser or foundation for this and for that. Alzheimers, injured veterans, families of fallen police men and women, St. Judes. I mean the list for the places you can put your money to help fund organizations or to help find a cure could probably make it’s own book. If you are not affected by any of them you can never fully understand. You can have a heart to want to do something and believe me that is what we need. People with hearts to want to do something to help others in need and to reach out and give. I have a heart and a passion for several organizations that don’t personally affect me but now I have an understanding on a deeper level that I will never fully understand the gravity of their situation and that makes me want to be more compassionate, more giving, more caring and more precise in my prayer life.

When you are told that your father has been diagnosed with a Glioblastoma Multiforme, a rapidly growing brain tumor, your kind of left looking at the person telling you confused and saying, “I don’t understand?” That’s not something that actually happens to people I know. That happens in the movies or you hear people talk about someone they know that had a brain tumor but not my Dad. It’s just all so unreal. It still is. I’m not sure why. There is nothing about my Dad or my family that would make us immune from this type of thing. My parents are just going to grow old together and pass away on the front porch in their rocking chairs holding hands. Change of plans. Now I have to learn all these medical terms and statistics and be constantly disappointed. Every time I think we are going two steps forward we are actually falling three steps back. People are now coming out of the wood work telling you that they have a family member that passed from this cancer or someone they know that was close to them. I never really even heard much about this particular cancer but it’s everywhere. There is no cure. There are cases of individuals living with it for 15 years but they are much younger and very few and far between. Best case scenario is to slow down the rapid growth and give you more time. It’s heinous and wretched to watch someone go through as I can imagine all terminal illnesses are.

Let me get to this past weekend and why it was so amazing. As I’m sure many people are like me and they go through life and may donate to certain things or have causes that are close to their heart but then get clothes lined when these things affect those closest to us. Richmond held it’s 2nd annual RVA Brain Tumor 5K. I have never been apart of something like that. I have never participated in an anything K, marathon, walkathon or raising money for a cause like this. This was amazing. Our team – PawPaw’s Pride (we called my Dad PawPaw when he became a grandfather) set a goal to raise $1,000.00. We raised $1,995.00!! That is amazing and I want to thank all of you who made that possible. The National Brain Tumor Society set out to raise $175,000.00 and we collectively raised $272,221.55!! How awesome is that. Wouldn’t it be amazing to find a cure so when our children grow up they may not have to go through what we have. Their children may not have to watch them suffer with this disease and many others. I’m not saying all of these things so you all will jump on the bandwagon and be avid supporters of the National Brain Tumor Society. I certainly think that would be amazing and we would love to add to our team of walkers next year. The more the merrier. Let’s make PawPaw’s Pride the #1 Team in Richmond!!!! I say all this to tell you be passionate.

You don’t have to wait to be affected by something horrible. You don’t have to wait for someone to die or to be horribly injured or fighting for their lives or any number of issues we have going on in this world. This disease has changed me and I will never be the same and I will be a part of the National Brain Tumor Society and RVA 5K every year now. That’s just my world though. It’s easy to stop there and not venture outside of my world and what affects me. I have other things I am passionate about and want to help make a change in. Sometimes we either don’t know how, or we don’t want to step out of our comfort zone, we put it off and say “I’m going to donate to them, I need to set that up. Next month. I’ll get that done.” We can always turn that channel as well because those commercials make us sad, uncomfortable and we just don’t need to watch that. God calls us to do these things. To reach out. To step out of our comfort zones. How else will people see the love of God. – What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself , if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. James 2:14-17 – “Do not neglect to do good and to share wht you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.” Hebrews 13:16 – “But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?” 1John 3:17

What does your heart urge you to do? Where does your heart urge you to go? It’s not all about writing a check and sending money. Your time means so much. I have a heart for the homeless in our community. Well then I need to be spending time reaching out to our homeless. Serving, donating, plugging in where God wants me to be. I have other things on my heart that I feel I should be doing. No, you are right. We can’t do them all. We can’t save the world by ourselves but together everyone can make a difference. Ask God to show you where you are supposed to be. I promise he will show you.

The amazing thing that happens is, in the process of giving of yourself you are blessed. You are fullfilled. You think you are the one serving, helping and making someones day brighter. You are, you certainly are, but you will walk away being more served by the ones you are serving, being more loved by the ones you are loving, making meaningful deep relationships, and being so filled with God’s love you feel like you just might bust.

So as I move forward through this process. From receiving my Dad’s diagnosis to functioning and working through the grief and understanding his death I continue to learn. Nothing happens good or bad that there isn’t a way to glorify God. I may not always do such a bang up job and make the right choices but he’s working with me and he’s holding my hand every day. I love my family so much and our bond has done nothing but gotten stronger since May 23rd. Walking in the 5K this weekend was exhilierating, a great way to remember my Dad, a wonderful way to strengthen my family, and an awesome way to bring awareness and raise money to find a cure for this disease. We walked it this year. Well, some of us are in better shape and ran. I walked it this year. Next year I’m going to run it. If you know me that will be quite an accomplishment. Don’t wait for tradgedy, start filling hearts with love.

Conversations With God

I have really been struggling since I wrote my last blog. I think I’ve said it before. I’m a planner. Usually I have some sort of an outline in my head as to what I’m going to write about. Now I will tell you, each time I’ve sat down to write with an outline or general idea in my head, God has taken me in a different direction. The difference is, I had an idea. I had an outline of some sort. I felt confident in sitting down because there was something there. Not lately. It’s like a black hole. It’s blank. I have nothing. I feel like a deer caught in the headlights.

I keep jotting down little thoughts and ideas in my notebook that pop into my brain. Lord knows if I don’t write it down, it’s gone in the next five minutes. Then I start to question myself. Maybe that’s all you have. Maybe you were just supposed to get on here write a handful of times and then move along. Well, maybe that’s true. How am I supposed to know? Where’s my burning bush? Can’t you just give me a word God? Well, that’s the thing. It was pointed out to me the other night in my recovery group that I just need to let it happen. I am listening to the voices of defeat and not even giving God a chance. This oh so wise person said, “You have got to stop trying to plan out everything. You can plan a lot of things but you are going to have to just let God move through you and stop trying to put him on a schedule.” Not planning is along the same lines as going to your job/school naked. Yeah, hermit status for the rest of my life. I want to feel confident before I step out and do anything. I want to feel like what I put forth is going to be met with acceptance and understanding and not get egg on my face or wow did I really say that.

It’s so funny because I used to think I was so confident back when I was drinking. I could talk to anyone, life of the party, dancing on the tables and sometimes the bar. What a false sense of confidence alcohol gives us and oh what it makes us step out and do. Talk about egg on your face or wow did I really say that or do that. We are more afraid of showing our true selves and being real with eachother than we are of being absolute idiots and making a fool of ourselves. That can just be chalked up to, oh, she just had to much to drink. Well that’s not the real me. I am more than that. Why are we so afraid for people to see us? We are afraid they just might not like what they see. It’s like the filters on Snapchat. Ya’ll better stop using those all the time and take some real pictures of yourself. Someone is going to see you in person and not know who you are. I needed to take that filter off. I needed to be me because it got to a point where I didn’t even know me. I had to start finding out who I was again and just where it was that I decided that I didn’t love myself enough.

So I took the advice and picked up my computer today. WITHOUT AN OUTLINE! WITHOUT A PLAN! She was right. That wise person in my recovery group. God knows what I need when I need it. Just like all the other times I have written. I may have felt confident but It was God laying on my heart what needed to be said. It is God writing this today. I just placed my fingers on the keys and started typing. The words just flow and you know what it’s like? It’s really like I’m letting you all in on a conversation that God is having with me. He likes to wait to reveal things to me until I’m typing here. Maybe he thinks someone else might need to hear something similar. My confidence needs to be in God. Not in how well I think I can write about a certain topic, or just how many ideas I have come up with.

It is a process to get to know myself. I have hidden away for quite a few years. I am learning through my conversations with God. I didn’t even realize until tonight that he was showing up in real time and having class with me each time I wrote.The more I remove the filters and remember and find that girl inside, the more I like her. The more I’m not ashamed. I may have done some shameful things but that does not define me. I am more than that. If I could just see myself as God sees me. Whoa!!!! Watch her go. Now that’s a Wonder Woman.

Thank God

Wow! I can’t believe I haven’t written in over a month. When I started this in May my goal was to atleast write once a week if not more and it was going to be about my walk. The struggles I have had with sobriety, with relationships, being a Mom, with God, just generally being me and living. If I could encourage just one person out there and open up about my failures, my struggles, my victories all the wonderings that race through this head of mine it would be worth it. Little did I know that when I started writing it would be so healing for me. So God has blessed me just by writing and sharing. I really hope it helps someone out there and I hope most of all you know you are not alone in how you feel or what you go through. If nothing else though I heal a little more each time I sit here and the letters flow through my fingers to make the words on the page.

I did not intend to take this much of a break but life has a way of sticking it’s foot out as you are running by and making you really ugly fall. When my Dad was diagnosed with an Anaplastic Astrocytoma Brain tumor on May 23rd life really did stick it’s foot out. Actually it threw a ridiculous amount of marbles out onto the road and I, well my whole family, have been trying to navigate that road ever since. We’ve been sliding and rolling and doing a balancing act to stay upright and move forward at the same time. We have all been trying to find our place in this and be where we need to be. What I have seen over these last months is nothing short of amazing. I have also learned God has given every one of us a different gift that we have the potential to use during a time like this. People have reached out in so many different ways and the love and support have often come from places that we did not expect. I also am learning to accept help from people and not to judge someones motives. Where I was expecting certain things from one direction they were coming from another. Not everyone can deal with illness, caregiving and dying the same way. You have to learn to meet people where they are and be thankful for the gifts that God has given them and how they are using them. Some are great encouragers, some send wonderful cards, some just check in time to time to see how you are doing. Others are hospital visitors, meal providers, shoulders to cry on and people to vent to. Some work with their hands and have contacts in the right places, loaning and putting together a wheelchair ramp that saved us a lot of money. Some send people to clean your house when you just don’t have it in you or to put in a handicap toilet because your Dad is coming to live with you. Others drive 5 hours here and back almost every weekend to give you a break and because they want to be here to take care of their Father, Grandfather, Grandfather in law. If they could be here 24/7 they would. Still others drive that far just to visit or have given money either to help with expenses or they have donated to the National Brain Tumor Society. I say all that to say I am learning to let people use the gifts they have and not require things and judge people for their actions as to why they did or didn’t do something. That is not a complete list of all the amazing people who are around us daily or who have been there for us and helped us through this. It’s just a little glimpse of how blessed we are.

I have also learned how I must pay it forward. I know the next time I run accross someone who is going through something. An illness, a crisis, a marble balancing act, instead of just saying how sorry I am and let me know if there is anything I can do I need to show up. That doesn’t have to mean to their house every day or maybe it does if that’s what God wants from me. A card, a meal, a phone call, some flowers, whatever the circumstance try to meet the need. That person is never going to let you know if they need anything so I know I just need to do.

This is a hard journey. For my Dad, for my family, for all those its affecting around us but I do know one thing. I have seen God show up a lot through out this and I need to remember that. I have seen my family become closer because of this and I need to be thankful. I have seen the giving heart of people that I never even thought cared and I need to rejoice. I have gained a lot of wisdom through this and I need to give it away. I have had my own personal hardships but I have also had my own personal victories and I need to Thank God.

Being A Lori

Sticking to a schedule can be hard to do.   Especially when you feel like you just can’t get ahead.  As hard as you try you are moving in slow motion.  That’s what I’m struggling with.  I feel like I am the proverbial chicken with it’s head cut off.  I have been trying to clean my house for over a week.  Each night I sit down with my planner and schedule for the next day and have everything all set as to what I’m going to get done tomorrow and here lately it’s just not happening.  It seems there is always something that is coming up that is more important than mopping my kitchen floor and cleaning the hardwoods on the first floor.

I am starting this week out again with a purpose and schedule as to when I am fitting in cleaning my bathroom and my kitchen and everything else around here.  I think my cats are brushing themselves and just throwing up the cat hair  in the living room to see how long it will take to cover the couch.  Cat couch motif the newest rage.

There’s one thing that came to my mind this morning.  My Aunt Lori.  She passed away and battled cancer for I think as long as I’ve known her.  She’s seen the inside of more hospitals than even seems humanly possible.  One thing she said to me while she was here.  She said “God didn’t put me here to clean.”  I always thought no he didn’t but keeping everything tidy and clean is just something you need to make sure that gets done.  I didn’t understand what she was saying until here recently when my Dad got sick.  God didn’t put her here to clean.  She was in and out of so many hospitals that when she was home and feeling good that woman was on the go.  She was selling things at festivals, she was cooking for other people, she was always helping at church.  She was just always doing when she could be doing.  She loved to fish and I think she was the first person who took JT fishing.  She lived across the field from me( we live in the middle of a farm) and when JT was maybe in kindergarten he got mad packed a suitcase and ran away from home.  To her house.  He came back after dinner.  When he got older and needed to talk to someone that wasn’t me he would go over and talk her ear off.   She would do anything for you.  I can’t tell you how many times I called her at 7am and told her I couldn’t drive because I had a migraine.  Would she please take JT to school for me.  She never once made me feel like it was an imposition or I was a bother or for Lord’s sakes it’s 7am can’t you find someone else.  She would simply say I got it.  What time do I need to be there.  She was always helping anytime she could.  She would also tell you just what she thought and how things ought to be done.  She didn’t have time to mince words.  I think she was so outspoken because she never knew when she was going to be sick again and wanted everyone to be clear on who she was, what she said and how she felt.    If she had an opinion you were going to know it.  Whether you liked it or not.   That is why she was so loved.  That is why I miss her so much.

So I’m thinking she heard it directly from God.  He didn’t put her here to clean.  He put her here to serve.  What do you want people to think about when you come to mind? Oh, she has an immaculate house.  Her yard is to die for.  Yes, all those things are great and I’m not saying you should live in squaller.  What I am saying is who cares if my kitchen floor needs to be mopped.  My bathroom needs a good wipe down.  I haven’t been deadheading my Petunias and they are looking pretty rough on the front porch.  I would rather be a Lori than making sure my house was sparkling when people came in the front door.  Those things aren’t going to matter in the end.  Your relationships will matter.

My family, my whole family, is coming in town this weekend and a good majority of them are staying at my house.  I hope I get to clean before they come but if I don’t get things looking great and have meals for them this weekend everyone is just going to have to understand.  My sister is getting married this weekend.  That’s what’s important.  Spending time celebrating her marriage.  Getting my Dad to his appointments this week.  That’s what’s important.  JT is having his tonsils removed on Thursday.  I’m going to need to take care of him and make sure he is comfortable and healing.

So as I look at my planner this week I have everything scheduled out.  I got on the treadmill this morning and spent time with God.  Taking care of myself and spending time with God are a must.  I can’t help anyone else if I’m not taking care of myself physically and spiritually.  I wrote down clean the bathroom then I have to take a shower and get out of here on time to get to my Dad’s for his first Dr. appt. today.  So if the only thing that doesn’t get done is I have to put off cleaning the bathroom till tomorrow it will be a succesful day.   I don’t think God put me here to clean either.  He put me here to serve.  I pray he gives me a serving heart like Lori.

 

Being Nudged

Drinking does not mix well with depression. Alcohol is a depressant to start with so your not doing yourself any favors by downing a few or six to make yourself feel better because your depressed. Add in the fact that you’re taking antidepressants on top of that and drinking can make your antidepressants less effective. So your just popping pills that aren’t working and drinking to feel better which is really making you feel worse. Then to top it all off it starts to interrupt your sleep. Drinking was great for my sleep in the beginning. I could pass out sleep all night and not wake up one time. After a while it took a lot to pass out and then I was waking up all the time. I couldn’t sleep through the night and would maybe get a solid 1 1/2 hours of uninterupted sleep. So I’m popping pills that don’t work, drinking and becoming more depressed and now I’m not sleeping. This plan is really working for me. So what do I do? I put this party into high gear and drink more.

So I’m in this viscious cycle. The picture that came to mind was a whirlpool in the ocean. We’ve probably all seen one at some point in time in our lives on TV or at the very least in the bathtub. I looked one up and that was definitely me spinning around and around in the center unable to swim out. Everytime I thought I was going to make it and I could see the sky above me, I had this talent for throwing myself backwards into the center and whipping around like one of those inflatable air dancers outside of the car dealerships. I would start drinking again and having a good time, get depressed, drink some more, get depressed, you get the picture. Then there would be the Chernobyl like fall out when my marriage would take a hit or I embarrassed myself. Maybe I could make the neighbors mad. Hey this time I could also hurt myself and fall down the stairs. Then came the extreme depression because I could beat myself up about being a terrible mother, wife, daughter and all around human being. It just got worse every time I took another spin. Yet I kept finding that whirlpool irresistible. The waters up above just looked to calm.


Everyone always says you have to hit your rock bottom. That is true and it is different for everyone. For some it could be jail. For some you may not hit the bottom until you are no longer here. For others it’s a DUI and yet sometimes it seems some people don’t even have a rock bottom. I hit my rock bottom finally. Of course this was after putting my family and especially my husband through a lot of things that he did not deserve to go through. My rock bottom was obviously being drunk but then I decided to take it one step further. I decided that it would be ok if I did some cocaine. I didn’t even think twice about it. I never even paused. I woke up the next day and knew this train had come off the tracks. I knew I had no choice. I had to sit down and tell my husband I had a problem. I was an alcoholic and I was out of control. I knew at that moment if I didn’t and I kept on going down the path I was on I was going over a cliff. I was going to lose my husband, my child, my home. I was going to lose everything I loved and it was going to be me and alcohol all on our own. I didn’t have a drug problem. I could have. I’m glad I didn’t wait much longer to find that out. I was an alcoholic. Now don’t get me wrong. I did take a moment to sort through my feelings and come up with the right words and the right time to talk to him. This involved several soul searching days into the bottom of a vodka bottle. After my deep soul searching (if you not good at detecting sarcasm you need to brush up because my sense of humor is completely sarcastic) I sat down with my husband (Wyatt, tired of calling him my husband) and told him I was stuck down in this whirlpool and I needed his help to pull me out.

It’s amazing how freeing the truth can be. Yes it is true. The truth can set you free. I was hiding behind so many lies and it was taking so much energy to keep everything straight and hide this secret from the ones that were so close to me. On one hand I felt like I could breathe and then on the other hand I was having a panic attack feeling the hurt, pain, guilt and fear and there was nothing to drink to make it go away. This feeling business and dealing with your problems is for the birds. From the word go Wyatt stood by my side. As long as I was willing to get help he was willing to walk with me every step of the way. You know who else stood by my side. Jesus. I had walked away from him a while back and was pretty good at ignoring his gentle nudge. You see he had been asking me to stop drinking as far back as July 14, 2004. That’s pretty precise isn’t it. I found a journal entry on that day. “For some reason I am having a difficult time doing what God is asking me to do. Stop drinking. ” That’s what I wrote on that day. God has been giving me a gentle nudge asking me to be obedient and I keep pretending I don’t hear him. The gentle nudges have gotten rougher over the years and there is one thing about God. If you’re not going to listen it’s going to be painful when God is done nudging and his arm comes out of nowhere and he clotheslines you. Slamming to the ground is never fun and you’re going to get a lot of cuts and bruises along the way. It’s never just you either. You will manage to trip over the ones you love and scrape them up in the process. Don’t miss the blessing in being clotheslined. He loves you enough to knock you off your feet. He could have just said he was tired of dealing with you. I’m sure I made him want to beat his head against a brick wall a time or two or three. He’s greater than us and his love is perfect. So even though he may knock you off your feet and you may land in the mud he is right there loving you as he always has. No less, he’s just waiting for you to look up and grab his hand. Nehemiah 8:10 – “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” How is the Lord’s joy our strength? The Lord’s joy is in forgiving and saving us. He delights in showing love to all that believe in him. Whenever we feel weak or defenseless he loves to step in and deliver us. In that his joy really will be our strength.

So I haven’t missed the blessing in God clotheslining me but listen up. If you aren’t there yet and you still have time I suggest you listen to the gentle nudges. He’s going to get your attention one way or another. It all just depends on how you want to be nudged.


What Part Did You Not Understand?

It takes me a while to get where I’m going. Not in the car or going some place. I’m actually pretty good with directions if I say so myself. I mean it takes me a while to get to where I’m supposed to be in life. Where I should be. Where God has been trying to help me move to in a comfortable way. Showing me and guiding me and loving me along the way. Putting people in my life to speak to me and speak God’s word and reaffirm what I think I’m hearing. So a lot of times I have to be shoved. Instead of listening, he is done waiting and he has a plan. A plan for each and every one of us. We can’t stand in his way. He’s going to get done what he needs to be done. If we can’t hear the gentle call then sometimes it takes an uncomfortable shove. That’s me. I get scared on certain things especially when it involves opening myself up for criticism and letting people in past the walls I have constructed.

This right here, typing my thoughts out is pretty frightening. You see I have certain faces I let people see and certain things I let people know. I think we all do. We keep the ugliest, most savage ones for the ones we live with and then there are some we don’t even let them see. We save those for when we are by ourselves. I have a story and I feel like I am supposed to share it with people. At least that’s what I’m hearing. I am running from this because it scares me yet it excites me at the same time. Hebrews 12:1 says “Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles” Which means we need to pinpoint those things that are holding us back as well as any sins God brings to our attention.

I feel like God is saying “What part did you not understand!?” Just like we say to our children or someone who is just plain not getting it when you have said something very plain and very clear. Like, unload the dishwasher. I didn’t speak in Swahili, what part did you not understand? My 18 year old sometimes gets the english language confused. I think they grow out of it when they have children. Really though, I think that’s what God wants to say to us sometimes. “Are you deaf, what part did you not understand about what I so clearly told you to do?”

August 1st I will be 2 years sober. I thought when I stopped drinking I would get through all of the hard physical, mental and just the downright drag of being one of those people who don’t drink anymore, and I would be rewarded. I did it. I took this horrible ugly sin that was ruining me, my marriage, my relationship with my child, with God everything around me and I gave it up. I went from being life of the party, social butterfly, great figure, great clothes yada yada yada to an over weight, depressed, shut in that had no voice. That’s my reward? That’s what I get? I should feel better, I should be healthier, I should be kicking my heels together. You know what no one tells you? The hardest part about not drinking, is feeling. Not the feeling of wanting a drink but the feeling of being in your own skin. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last 2 years and it sucks. That’s the best way I know how to put it. I’m tired of running, I’m tired of just being here, I’ve traded one addiction for another, food (sugar). Which is very common. I’m going to throw off everything that is hindering me and it will be hard. I’m asking God to show me the sins I don’t even realize are there. I’m going to fall but I’m going to get back up. I’m going to open my eyes and ears up to what he’s been saying very plainly and clearly for the past 2 years and finally say “I understand, maybe not all, but this little piece right here that you want me to do. I got that Lord, hold my hand because I’m a little nervous.” Like I said it takes me a minute to get to where I need to be on some things but when I decide I’m going to do something and purpose to do it, I’m all in.