Fear Of The Lord

It’s the start of a new year. I know that it’s time to drop bad habits and start good ones. It’s the time of year when we all put so much pressure on ourselves to try and be the best version of ourselves. What does that mean? I’ve never really been a New Years Resolution kind of gal but I think we all say generally we will eat healthier, exercise more, drink more water those types of things. What does that mean spiritually? That’s what hit me this morning. I know the changes I want to make with my body and I know the things that need to be done to get where I want to be but spiritually, where am I and where do I want to be? Where does God want me to be?

I spent another New Years sober which is something to celebrate for me. That road has been pretty rocky since my sister died. There have been a lot of pot holes and the path is a real ankle twister. This is the 2nd year in a row that I have had someone in my immediate family die and navigating through my feelings is a daily trek in need of hiking boots. It’s the comfort I miss in my drink. My friend and companion that has been there so long with me. Any alcoholic or addict will tell you that. For me it’s a he and he’s like a friend. Not a very good friend but he’s there and he doesn’t judge you and doesn’t talk back to you he’s just there when he needs to be and he’s warm and he’s numb. He’s also jealous and won’t allow me to have any relationships with my family. He won’t allow me to be shared with anyone especially Wyatt. He wants me all to himself and won’t stop till he has me right where he wants me. All to himself after I have demolished every relationship I have and he is all that is left. So of course I need to continue this journey and continue to battle and know this is not just a battle of the physical body but a battle of the mind, the spirit. There are things fighting for me to give in and give up but there are stronger, tougher things seen and unseen fighting for me to stay in it. It’s worth it. I have been called to stay in it. Spiritually, where am I, am I moving forward, where do I want to be, where does God want me?

I have so many things rollling around in this brain of mine. You would be scared if you could see in there. I have so many ideas and projects and things I want to work on. Pretty big things that I dare not say out loud because that might actually put them out into the universe. I might actually have to overcome my fear and move forward on what I feel I am supposed to be doing. If I do that though, I just might be rejected and I just might fail. That’s a whole lot of just mights and maybe, what if. That all sounds like failure to me. You have no idea how hard this is to write. Again there are so many reasons I can come up with not to move forward but there are bigger, greater more powerful reasons to trust God and move forward.

We all struggle. Some harder than others and I for sure know others have much harder struggles than I do. My sobriety and a few projects I have been rolling around were at the forefront of my mind when I thought about this New Year. This 2021. Like I said most of us go to taking care of our bodies and we know how to do that or how to go wherever we need to go to have someone to help us do that. Do we always look at where we are spiritually? Where we are with God. I want my focus to be there. I know I can’t do anything without God so why would I not start there? Why would I not feed my mind and my soul? Without the word of God and his guidance in my life and seeking him in prayer what foundation do I have? It says in the Bible – The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding Proverbs 9:10 I don’t know how many times that is in the Bible. I stopped counting at 9 maybe that’s it, maybe there’s more. I am not a Bible scholar. What I do know is that it’s important. It’s something I want to explore this year.

So I’m going to focus first spiritually on what it means to fear the Lord. How is that the beginning of wisdom? There is so much more behind that scripture than when you just read it at face value. I know whatever God has for me this year (I hope one of those things is to burn this mask) I have to have a strong foundation. I can only do that by understanding how to build the foundation correctly. In order to gain that understanding I need to fear the Lord to even begin to have wisdom. How am I going to do that? Well I’m going to do that by figuring out just what God means by that and the only way I know how to do that is by getting to know him better than I do today. I will never understand if I don’t have a relationship with my Lord and God Jesus Christ. I pray we all have a better year than last year and I will continue to ask God to let me wake up 30 lbs lighter in the morning. Who knows, he does do miracles. Faith of a mustard seed people!!

Landmines

When everything is starting to flow and you feel like you are on the right track and feeling good about what you are doing and where you are, you can be certain that there is a landmine maybe even more than one in your path. You can jump over them you can step around them but eventually you will step on one. That is how this life works. I say it is how satan works. Some of those landmines can be self made and some of them can come out of left field. It’s all in how you put yourself back together and how much damage you allow them to do.

I had been sober for about 6 months and I got a Facebook message from a person I had never even met before but we had a mutual friend. This person said he had a package addressed to me that had mistakenly been delivered to his house. I was feeling kind of sketchy on who this individual was so I contacted our mutual friend to check him out and he was real. He wasn’t a scammer and didn’t have $3,000,000.00 he wanted to give me from the Nigerian government just because he liked my profile picture. I messaged him back and he had a whole case of wine from a subscription company from California and he was going to drop it off to me or I could come pick it up. A WHOLE CASE OF WINE!!!! No one would know. There would be no trace. I didn’t order it. It wouldn’t be on my credit card, I could hide it. I mean that’s a great big alcoholic present dropped right in my lap. I agonized over that decision. It was just me and this guy that would know. Was it though? God would know. All the hard work I had done in the last 6 months would be for nothing. The commitment I had made to myself and my family would be broken. The trust would be gone. This would not end here. After this I would be in that hole again and probably grab my shovel on the way down to dig deeper so it was going to take twice as long to get out. After many arguments in my own head, much like having those little cartoon angel and demon on each shoulder, I messaged him back and let him know it was not mine and there was a mistake. I also told my husband so I could be held accountable. Landmines, they just get thrown out there when we least expect them to sometimes coming from the most bazaar places that have to let you know something is trying awful hard to throw you off track.

I feel that way today. I am moving forward, I have good momentum and then an unexpected bomb drops on me completely out of left field over the weekend. Are you serious? I really questioned God and said “Why Now?” God answered through out the weekend by sharing with family and just reflecting. Why not now? Actually if there was going to be any time for a landmine now would be the time. If this would have been a month ago I would be curled up in a ball in the bed. If this would have been a month ago I would not be able to be there in the midst of everything like I need to be and do my part. God put all the pieces in place. He has been gathering and moving everyone and getting them prepared so everyone can be right where they need to be for such a time as this. A moment to soon or a moment to late and things don’t work how they are supposed to. We will never be able to avoid the landmines. There will be seasons where we spot them and are good at going around them and there will be seasons where it seems like every step we take is one explosion after another. What we will be able to do is let God get us through them. Let him clothe us in spiritual armor so that we may grow stronger and turn around and show others how to do the same.