It’s almost the end of January. I feel like I am always waiting to get through something. Once I get over this hump then I can really start moving forward. If I were to title my life I think it would be, Over The Hump. Well, that would be fine if I actually ever got over the hump and saw the other side. I’m like the camel who walks around yelling, “Uh oh guess what day it is?!! It’s hump day!” It’s hump day every day. That commercial does crack me up, however I don’t want to be stuck on hump day.
I’m waiting to get through the holidays. Get through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Those were all very hard to navigate without my Dad for the first time. They probably will be for the second and third time. I probably will never find that it’s easy and I’m not missing him during the holidays. Then my ex starts whispering to me. (My group leader referred to alcohol as an ex boyfriend and that is just what he is to me, my ex) You know what would make this easier? If you just had a drink. Just one. All you need is one to take that edge off. I can remember that feeling I would get when it hit my stomach and my head said, “Relax, don’t worry, you got this and you deserve this.” It never stops at one. I would drink until my head hit the pillow at night and maybe get up in the middle of the night if I was still thirsty. So, I have to have that conversation with myself that this will not take the edge off. My ex is a liar and there isn’t room for him in this relationship between God and I and my husband and I. Just one has severe consequences. So I think just get me through New Years and I will have gotten over a huge hump.
Then January is here and it’s my Mom’s birthday, well for some reason I need to get through that because that’s an occasion without my Dad. Well you know what, Valentines Day is coming up. That’s going to be hard for my Mom so I need to get her through that. Oh my goodness, St. Patricks Day is in March, geez I gotta get through that with everyone drinking green beer. Guess what day it is? It’s hump day!!! Meanwhile, I’m also putting on hold so many other things. Eating right, exercising, getting involved with outside interests etc. etc. etc. My Lord I can have a whole year of hump days. I don’t want to be that camel for the rest of my life.
I want to live purposely. I am so tired of never getting past the hump. What’s on the other side? Great and wonderful things! God is just waiting for me to crest that hill. He has magnificent joy and life fulfilled, I just have to follow him. Right now I have chosen to place the things of this world, the temporary pleasures as my God. You can only stay happy for short bursts of time when you do that. Have you ever read the 23rd Psalm? I mean like read it in the Bible. You may have heard it but to actually read and look at the words. Most of us have read or know by heart The Lords Pray, Our Father, Who art in heaven….. That is how Jesus told us we ought to pray. I read the 23rd Psalm today which I never have read the actual words. I have heard it said and heard my father say it many times. If you read and study the words it really can be very impactful.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23
I don’t need to be stuck. There’s no reason. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. My God is my protector and I will not lack for anything I need. He is my shepherd, he will guide me. He is my shepherd, he will care for me as my great physician. He is my shepherd, he is my savior. You can disect every line of this and see what certain words actually mean and this Psalm means hope. I want to live like that. I don’t want to live waiting because I will miss out on what is over the hill for me on this earth. I want to hear, “Well done my good and faithful servant!” when I see him in all his glory.
My goal is to stop waiting to get through. I am through. I am here and now. That does not mean that I will not hurt, grieve or struggle but I can do that in the moment and let God be my shepherd and guide me, heal me, care for me and I will trust him. I’m going to crest that hill and hump days can go back to just coming through with that camel, once a week.
Wondering Woman 