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Love and Truth

Something I struggle with is how to share the truth of the gospel all while being loving at the same time. It’s not something I have always done well. Often times love and truth are pitted against each other. As if you can’t have both, you can only pick one. If you tell someone the truth of the Word you have to compromise love. If you are loving well then you have to compromise being truthful. When in all actuality love and truth go hand in hand. God is love and God is truth.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that who ever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16 NIV) This is probably one of the most well known scriptures in the world and I have read it and seen it hundreds of times. Not until recently did I begin to understand it. In order to know God it requires more than a Sunday visit. It’s daily studying and mediation in his word. The greek word for so is (outos), which means thus or in this manner or like this. The verse doesn’t mean so, God loved the world. It means, in this manner God loved the world. God loved the world like this. How does he love the world? By giving the world his one and only son. What happens after that? Whoever believes in him will have eternal life. That is whoever believes in him will not only accept that truth but will live out that truth. God has just shown us love and truth in a single act. The giving of his Son, Jesus Christ. Love and truth are not opposing each other. If you believe in Jesus you believe in love. If you accept Jesus you are dedicated to his truth.

Jesus does not condemn. That is satan’s job. We are required to be transformed, to pick up our cross daily. That means dying to yourself. Not physically, but to our own selfish desires, to do the will of God. We are called to be in this world, not of it. So if that means making a sacrifice to a fleshly desire daily, that is what we must do.

Being a Christian is not easy and in this culture it gets harder every day. We will never win anyone to Christ by hammering a person over the head with truth and not showing any love. On the other hand we can love someone right into hell by not ever speaking truth. We must be in our bibles daily, spend time in prayer and have a good church community. God will show us how to “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is Christ.” (Ephesians 4:15)

I Can’t Imagine

Do you know what you are fighting for? When you join that march, scream the catchy chant being yelled out for you to copy or hold that sign. Did you do your homework? Or, did you just show up. Did you just see or hear about some things that looked or sounded wrong to you and decide that’s the hill I want to plant my flag on? That’s where I should go and make a stand. All the while you are standing behind a cause you know nothing about and asking for something that is entirely unreasonable.

I can’t imagine for one minute having a terrorist storm into my home, rape me, my mother, my sister and if not behead us then drag us off as prisoners. I can’t imagine for one minute watching my husband being beheaded or my child or having to watch any such thing on their personal FB account. I can’t imagine for one minute enjoying a music festival and then seeing terrorists come down from the sky and just begin to shoot people at will. Plucking people off one by one. People running through an open field with no where to hide just hoping the random bullet would not hit them. Hoping they can get to one of the cars of any festival goer and jump in for a ride to hopefully make it out of there. Wondering what happened to my friends, my husband, my wife because we got separated in the chaos. Wondering if I will ever see them again. As if this weren’t bad enough while this is going on these terrorist are calling their loved ones back home and celebrating and telling their mothers and fathers how many Jews they have killed so far. Babies being cut out of mother’s wombs, Grandmothers raped, bodies mutilated. Utter terror. There are no words. If that offends you, well, you offend me.

The Jewish people are then assaulted again all over the world by being told you must not do anything. To attack would be wrong. How can you not go to war. Should they politely say, please don’t do that again. That was not ok with us and we will leave this land. Because that is what people don’t understand. That is the end goal. It’s not just a fight for some rights or because Palestinians have been treated a certain way, Hamas wants the Jews gone! That is the true meaning of Genocide.

That word gets thrown around a lot. I keep seeing it thrown around concerning the Palestinian people. The Israeli’s are committing Genocide against the Palestinians. You know not of what you speak. Genocide: The deliberate killing of a large number of people from a particular ethnic group with the aim of destroying that nation or group. Hamas has an agenda and that agenda is to commit genocide. They want the annihilation and extinction of the Jews from Israel. In their own charter it reads “the Day of Judgement will not come about until all Muslims fight Jews and kill them.” Israel has an agenda and that agenda is the “complete destruction of Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad, is dismantling all their terror capabilities and making sure that never again, never again will there be a terror army in the Gaza Strip.” Amir Avivi – Retired Israeli Brigadier general. Now no where did I see or hear the Israeli’s say their agenda was complete destruction of the Palestinian people. It is the complete destruction of a terrorist organization.

Hamas has brought death on the Palestinian people. They do not care about the Palestinian people. That is evident in where they place their command centers, weapons storage and the fact that a large number of their own casualties come from faulty rocket misfires. They are a detriment to their own people. It is a tragedy that innocent children, women and men have to die because of the reckless actions of this terrorist organization. These unfortunately are a casualty of war with the blood being on the hands of Hamas.

The demonstrations and rallies held calling for ceasefires and saying that the Israeli’s are committing genocide are being led by the blind and the unjust. It is an absolute disgrace. I can only pray that people will take a closer look and ask themselves what would you expect to happen if someone came across our borders and did that to us. Should we sit back and do nothing? Should we not go to war with a terrorist organization like that? I pray and hope you or I never have to experience something so horrific. My prayers and support are with the Jewish people and the Israeli army. Godspeed.

Anything But Jesus

I have been hearing so much lately about the Taylor Swift concerts and the Beyoncé concerts. Now Burning Man is in the headlines. What do all these have in common, you ask? The ability to draw thousands of people together at one time. Taylor Swift draws an average concert of 54,000 people. Beyoncé draws an average of 70,000 people and the Burning Man drew around 70,000 people. What else do they have in common? The opportunity to introduce evil to thousands, millions of people all while they smile and laugh and beg for more.

It seems rare to find someone lately that is not a Taylor Swift fan. Taylor Swift literally has a cult-like following. Concert goers dress as Taylor and it seems her tickets are in high demand. When you sing a song do you process what you are singing? You should. Words do have power and meaning. She is no longer the young teen who wrote Teardrops On My Guitar. She is a grown up 33-year-old woman who has definitely come into her own. In her song Karma, she says:

Karma is my boyfriend, Karma is a God, Karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend, Karma’s a relaxing thought, Aren’t you envious that for you it’s not?

If you know anything about karma, it is a belief practiced in Hinduism, Buddhism and Sikhism. People believe that the god vishnu revealed karma to the rishis, or the enlightened persons, and that they carry it from one’s past lives into their new life cycle. Developing into the belief in reincarnation. She is proclaiming that karma is her God. Whether you want to admit it, she is denouncing God, the Creator of the Universe. If you are not for God, you are against him. She performs an occult ritual on stage and proclaimed herself as a witch in a previous X (Twitter) post. “It’s me. I’m witches. Never fear, the willow lonely witch remix is here.” Taylor Swift. You are not just watching an expression of creative art. You are opening your spirit up to a dangerous world. A world where the spiritual realm is real and evil exists. I know, I know, you are all thinking, it’s Taylor Swift, she’s America’s sweetheart. You are being over the top and reading way to much into everything. As Jack Hibbs, the pastor of Calvary Chapel in Chino Hills said, and I’m paraphrasing, evil will not come wrapped with a warning, it will not show up on your doorstep saying, evil inside, be careful how you handle this. Are we so naive to think evil will show up with horns and a pitchfork. Evil comes dressed beautifully, enticing you and making you feel great pleasure.

Now Beyonce, she just comes right out and says it loud and proud. Beyoncé says she is oshun. Oshun is the goddess of love, sensuality, and femininity. This goddess is represented, draped in yellow. Look at Beyoncé’s album Lemonade. She continually dons herself in beaded gowns and headdresses and yellow silk, taking the form of the Virgin Mary, Jesus, venus and the hindu goddess kali. She adorns herself with jewelry and clothing, picturing baphomet. A hermaphroditic winged human figure with the head and feet of a goat that is adorned with numerous esoteric symbols. Occultist Aleister Crowley also adopted baphomet as a symbol in his satanic mass. Her infamous alter ego Sasha Fierce, who she said she felt “come in to her” and “take over” is coincidentally the name of the author who wrote The Book of Shadows. Wiccan and Pagan spells, Black and White magic. So don’t get confused thinking that these things are all coincidence. This is idolatry and the summoning of demons.

The Burning Man festival. I have heard of the Burning Man. Also, I never gave much thought to the Burning Man until this year, when flooding stranded 72,000 people in the Nevada desert. Black Rock City was hit with two to three months’ worth of rain in just 24 hours. So, I said, Huh, what is Burning Man? Let’s take a look. Oh, down the rabbit hole I went. That is a hedonistic playground of pagan and idol worship. Created in 1986 by Larry Harvey on a beach in San Francisco, it stood as a symbol against corporatism and capitalism. Hence, burn down “The Man”. “The Man” started as an 8’ tall figure. Concerns over fire hazards led to it’s relocation after four years. Now, it stands as a 40’ tall wooden/wicker sculpture that rotates effortlessly atop a 35’ tall pedestal. Tickets go for $575.00 – $2,750.00. Coffee and ice are the only items sold after entering. All other goods and services are to be gifted, traded or bartered. Vice magazine wrote, “it is the ultimate departure from reality”. One sign kind of said it all. Non Judgement Day is Coming. The art present there, loosely defined, aims to help you find your inner self or connect with ancient deities for pagan worship. There are rituals and ceremonies invoking and praising false gods, an actual Thunder Dome (Mad Max) and an Orgy Dome. This years theme was Animalia. They strongly associate astrology with the belief that a human and an animal are interconnected beings. The piece of “art” that really stuck out to me was, The 60’ chapel of babel. The artist covered the chapel in black and white portraits of people, animals, flowers, insects and leaves, that were meant to convey that we all belong and there is room for everyone in all versions and reiterations of their expression. Which is contrary to what the Bible says. God did not create us to express ourselves in any perversion that we choose. The vision of Sodom and Gomorrah, if I could ever conjure one up, would be pretty close to Black Rock City during Burning Man. I had to pull myself out of this rabbit hole because the deeper I dove the darker it got. The Burning Man which stood as a symbol against corporatism and capitalism now stands for idolatry, sexual perversion, mind altering drug induced ceremonies and evil at its base level.

So what’s the point? My point is this. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12. Right there in the Bible, it says we are not wrestling or warring with people. We are fighting against spiritual wickedness, against forces of evil. We fight not against humans but against powerful forces of darkness and evil spirits on earth. Our daily battle is not against flesh and blood people but against mighty powers in this dark world and evil spirits in the spiritual world that are present here on earth. If you think demons aren’t real and that satan isn’t real, you are sadly mistaken. Satan was a created being. Demons are just disembodied spirits roaming around looking for a body because they have none. They would just as soon use yours as the person beside you. What can we do? Guard our hearts, study, not just read our Bibles, learn our scripture. Be mindful of what you watch on TV. Pay attention to what you listen to in your music. Pay attention to who you are friends with and find a good Church home. Coming together with other believers will strengthen you. Share your love of Christ with all those you meet. Everyone is searching to fill that empty hole inside them. So many people search and search and will try anything but Jesus. If Jesus is not the ruler of your heart, you leave room for “some thing” else to rule. Fill your life with everything that is Jesus. All Satan needs is a crack and he will stick his foot in the door. He’s pretty persuasive. I know from personal experience. How about you?

One Perfect Truth

Who can we trust? Certainly not the news. They don’t report the facts anymore. There may be some facts sprinkled in, but it’s slanted depending on what channel you are on. We are hearing the opinion of the network and only the information that they want us to hear. Fear is the job of most of the news networks and they do a fine job at that. Most of the stories floating around on-line end up being false and you have to fact check everything that you read. Even then, unless you are hearing it straight from the horse’s mouth, could there possibly be another side to the story?

We live in a world that seems to be falling down around us and not to add to the doom and gloom, it feels like that on most days. The nuclear family is under attack, our children are being targeted and the church is slowly deteriorating. We have just been told that UFOs are real and aliens have indeed landed here and we have been studying them for some years now. SAY WHAT!! You can pick your own gender at will and boys/men are playing on girls/women’s sports teams. Right is wrong and wrong is right. In fact it’s all subjective. Everyone has their own truth and is encouraged to speak it and stand on it. We are ridiculed for speaking or standing on THE truth. We are ridiculed for speaking and standing up for facts. No one wants to hear THE truth. Everyone wants to feel warm and fuzzy and live their best life. Well, I’m sorry. No one promised you that you could always be warm and fuzzy and live your best life.

The fact of the matter is sometimes the truth is painful. Sometimes truth makes us uncomfortable. Sometimes I don’t want to hear the truth, but I don’t want to have people around me that just make me feel good and watch me spin out into chaos as I wreck my life. If I didn’t have people in my life that would speak the truth, I would be a drug addict and an alcoholic, probably divorced and estranged from my child and the rest of my family. If you don’t have anyone in your life brave enough to speak the truth, then you need a new set of friends and maybe even family.

There is one perfect truth, and that is the truth of the Gospel. As I look around I am burdened for the world as I see it falling down, but I know thankfully how it ends. I know I am going to heaven and I hope that anyone who reads this will meet me there. If you know Jesus, then you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, then let me tell you. God, because of his mercy and great love for us, did not leave us in our brokenness. He sent his son, Jesus, as a sacrifice for our sin. He lived a perfect, sin-free life. He willingly, chose to die in our place to pay the penalty for our sin. He then defeated death and rose to life. He did for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves. Merely knowing this won’t suffice. You have to act on this. You must confess your sins, seek forgiveness from God, and follow him as your Lord and savior. It’s as simple as that.

So even as the doom and gloom news and everything else is chaotic in this world, you and I can have hope and know that we will spend eternity in heaven with Jesus Christ. It doesn’t matter how bad things get. God is always in control. He wrote this story from beginning to end. Those that do not accept him will be separated from him for eternity. My prayer is that whoever you are, may you not be separated from God. Now, it’s your job to spread this far and wide.

Power In His Name

There is power in your name. (Awaken Music) That is the song that is playing as I sit down to write this afternoon. I think we have forgotten that. We are all mourning once again as we watch families lose children and mothers, fathers, daughters and sons. It pains our hearts and every time we hear it; we agonize and the country becomes enraged. How can this keep on happening? Whether it’s a school or a supermarket or a concert or military base. Where are we safe?

Now the blame game starts. Take the guns, ban assault rifles. Better care for those with mental illness. Longer waiting periods between the time of purchase and the actual physical transfer of a firearm. It’s all the fault of the republicans and the democrats because they can’t agree on anything. It’s just politics that get in the way. If you think this is a pro gun blog, you are wrong. I am not stating whether I am for or against in this blog. Now is not the time for that. What we need so desperately in this country, in this world, is to call upon the name of Jesus. It doesn’t matter what laws we put into place, evil is afoot and is marching through our nation. We are in a battle for the souls of our children, our families, our neighbors, those beside us in the checkout lines at the grocery store, behind us at the drive-thru at McDonalds, everywhere we look.

Next week, this shooting will be old news, and we will have gone on with our lives. Nashville will still be picking up the pieces as every other city has done every time evil comes through and takes a piece of our goodness. We must not let evil continue to win. We must stand and claim authority in Jesus’ name. Every day we must all get up and then get on our knees and speak his name. That is the only way we can take back our nation and protect our children.

I have had my own spiritual battle this past week, and I have spoken his name and watched evil literally flee from me. Please use this time to earnestly pray for those around you and for those who are so deeply hurting because such evil has directly touched them. We need prayer, lots of it. God hears us. – “For where two or three gather in my name. There am I with them.” Matthew 18:20. My cousin Bubba shared this song with me this morning on a family thread and it spoke directly to me. I hope you will listen and it will speak to your heart as well.

Praise Him

This weekend did not go as planned, but I am used to that. Wyatt and I have become accustomed to our plans changing at the last minute or not being able to make concrete plans. Not that it makes it any easier anytime we have to cancel or change what we were looking forward to doing. It is improving and the idea of having more good days than bad is exciting.

The migraine started creeping in on Friday, but it wasn’t too bad. Saturday morning, I knew my postponed Valentine’s Day dinner for that evening would not happen. After spending the day in bed, I was able to rally and my migraine let up. It let up enough to enjoy a Biggie Bag from Wendy’s and a game of Yahtzee. So after my Saturday night rally, I had high hopes for going to Sunday morning church. We haven’t been to church since before the pandemic because of my health and I have come to a place in my recovery where I am ready to get back. I think I’ll be able to handle the loud music. At least I am hoping so because worship is a very important part of church for me. I’m thinking I’ll be able to salvage one day this weekend. When I woke up Sunday morning, I was holding my head in my hands and was at the stage of murmuring to myself because I was in so much pain. There will be no church this morning. AHHH! Why!?

Depression covers me like a heavy blanket. Guilt claws its way into my mind and starts ripping apart my self-esteem. With each rip I tear myself down a little more, “you knew you couldn’t show up for your husband this weekend”, “you actually thought you were going to church? Maybe you thought about it so hard you brought that migraine on.” “Another weekend where you spent two days in bed and your husband has been basically alone.” All this is happening and going through my mind as this migraine is raging and I’m getting back into bed and my phone goes off. I get the following picture and text on our family thread from my nephew, Nick.

“Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place” – Job 38:12. It’s amazing that the God who calls and commands the dawn to awake like an artist painting a masterpiece, values and loves us above all creation. We are the only thing that is made in his image and in our sin and rejection of Him…He pursues us still! I have so much gratitude that he is God and not us. – Nick Bailey

I received that text at 7:30 am as I was getting back into bed. I immediately have two thoughts. A song by Fernando Ortega – Creation Song – pops into my head. It’s a beautiful song. I’ll put a link at the bottom. My second thought is I am so loved by God. The God that created the universe loves me above all creation. In my sin, he pursues me still. He is with me now and I will praise him through this. He created my whole being from top to bottom. Whether I am sick or sinning, my God never leaves me. He did not create me to tear myself apart from the inside as that just pulls me farther away from him. My mind calms down and the depression begins to lift, and the guilt pulls its claws back out slowly. God wants me to know him more intimately. Each time I focus on God and his love for me, I understand my true worth more and more. It’s not about focusing on myself and learning to love myself. It’s about focusing on and getting closer to God. Only then will I understand how truly lovely and valuable I am. So, not today Satan! As my nephew said, he has so much gratitude that God is God and we are not. It is truly amazing that the God who calls and commands the dawn to awake like an artist painting a masterpiece values me so much more; he pursues me every day. He was reminding me of that Sunday morning through my nephew. I always find it amazing how he uses the people in my life to speak to me at just the right time. Thank you, Nick, for being moved by God.

Worshipping The Joneses

Unless you have been under a rock lately, then you have seen or heard the praise or the disdain for the performances and videos coming from the music industry. Whether you were in the praise column or the disdain column, our music has become a worship of everything in excess. We celebrate living a life of sexual immorality, accumulating as much wealth as possible, and having the biggest and best of everything. There is a desire to keep up with the Joneses! Our Joneses seem to be celebrities. We all strive to look as good as our favorite singer, influencer or actor. I’ll take JLo’s butt, Kim Kardashian’s waist, and Charlize Theron’s Legs…. I do it too so I’m not pointing fingers. By the time I’m done, I will have created a new person. Who am I worshipping?

CBS was ready to worship Sam Smith as they tweeted “We are ready to worship” in response to Sam Smith’s sneak peek at his Grammy rehearsal. Smith’s provocative dance included a top hat adorned with devil horns and Petra, looking like she was enjoying her place in hell. When they received a massive blow back, they quickly did an about face and removed it. They rewarded the performance with thunderous applause and a standing ovation. These are the people we idolize and look up to.

Rihanna’s Superbowl performance was celebrated everywhere and was said by fans to have made a “powerful statement” for women all over the world. Really? What kind of statement does it make to grab your crotch and then smell your hand? She must have grabbed herself at least ten more times during the rest of her performance. When we talk about a woman making a “powerful statement” I think of women like Corrie Ten Boom or Miriam Makeba. I am not trying to shred Rihanna’s halftime performance. You either liked it or you didn’t. I am sure Rihanna has done several things to be recognized for as she is such a successful businesswoman. My point is maybe we need to re-think who we and especially our young women are looking up to.

There is power in music. I need to listen to what is coming out of my radio. I need to think about who I look up to. Who am I idolizing? What am I worshipping? There are a lot of celebrities that thank God for their many blessings. Don’t get fooled. There are all kinds of gods, that’s gods with a little g. People can talk about and worship any of those little gods. There is only one God, that’s God with a big G. Entertainment is good and fun until it’s not. Oh, be careful little ears what you hear! Oh, be careful little eyes what you see! Remember that song from Sunday school? We should guard our ears and eyes as we guard our hearts. Ultimately, God is in control and we must rely on him to help us navigate through all this chaos. – For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations. Psalm 100:5 And those are my thoughts!

Keep Showing Up

To say that these past few years have been challenging would be an understatement. They have been challenging physically, mentally, spiritually, and in any other way that a person can be challenged. I have been waiting to come through the other side of this illness or better yet illnesses so I can start my life again. Although I am remarkably better and I am getting better each and every day, I am not sure I will ever be well. At least my definition of well, which to me is being able to function “Normally” more days than not. I have decided I can’t wait any longer.

In the past two years, my head has been cut open twice to fix a hole in the superior canal in my ear. It’s called Superior Semicircular Canal Dehiscence. Yeah, if it’s weird and strange, and no one has heard of it, you can guarantee it will probably happen to me. It is a hole in the superior canal in your ear that causes a plethora of symptoms from vertigo, nausea, fatigue, migraines, and brain fog. I could go on. Most days, I couldn’t get out of bed. I have migraines separate from this disorder and I suffer from major depressive disorder. I always joke that I am the little fine print in the leaflet you get with your prescriptions. The crazy side effects on the commercials, you may stop breathing, or your arms and legs may fall off. That’s me. For goodness’ sake, I’ve had Covid 3 times. I say all this not so anyone will feel sorry for me. Everyone has their own struggles to deal with, whether they are physical, mental, financial, family discord, addiction, etc. What I want anyone to know who reads this is that you can find hope in whatever struggle you are in.

I will not sit here and tell you I am not so tired of being sick and exhausted as I wake up with a migraine every day of my life. I don’t know what the purpose of that is. It’s just how I have to get through each day. Some days I can deal and muscle through, and some days I can not. I have hope, though. I know that whatever I am going through, God has a future for me. That is one of my favorite scriptures. – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 – That is a promise to me from God. I have to do my part, though. I can’t just sit and wait for something wonderful to land in my lap. I get discouraged not being able to do as much because of my physical capabilities. BUT, God did not say, I have a plan for you as long as you are healthy and get up every day and do what I say and never veer from the path I laid before you. He said he wants me to prosper. The actual definition of prosper is to succeed, to flourish, to be successful. He means me no harm. What a wonderful God! I just need to keep showing up and keep seeking him out. I am going to get it wrong, but I know God is always going to get it right, so that is where my hope and trust need to begin and end.

You may not find my words to be eloquent and I’m sure I won’t be quoted in the history books, but you can find someone who genuinely wants to know how to love people the way Jesus commanded us to love people. You can find someone who genuinely wants to be more like Christ every day. That’s the best I have. I’m sure I will make a mess of it, but hopefully, I can just keep showing up every day and God can turn my mess into something beautiful.

Dust Yourself Off And Try Again

I’m so thankful for my church. I’m so thankful for the people at my church. I have been in a complete spiral probably ever since the protests at the Capital. I decided I didn’t need God’s peace and understanding and would confront the headlines, the people, social media, all of the events going on with my worldly knowledge. I was just so flabbergasted and could not wrap my mind around what I was seeing and hearing. Lies, lies, I know if I post these things the lightbulb will go off and the veil will drop and they will see clearly. So why am I so thankful for my church and the people there? I get the best counsel at my church. Even if it’s not what I want to hear I get the truth. It’s the truth in love though. We all need the truth. We all need the truth in love.

By this morning I was crying about every ten minutes. Why? I don’t know. I think when I decided to go this alone and not let God be my source and let the world be my source of information and what I needed to do, my anxiety level went up and my fear was bubbling below the surface. What actually came out was anger. I usually pride myself in not posting controversial stuff on FB. Nothing to get extremely upset over (at least I think) and then I felt my anger was justified. I did not post horrible hateful things but they were sarcastic and would not serve to facilitate peace. I found myself becoming more and more agitated over the course of this last week. I was unsatisfied, unorganized and was feeling a bit of despair. This is the beginning of the end. Oh my lord, what if I can’t protect the people I love. What if they aren’t really saved? Oh my gosh I need to look at everyone around me and see who needs to be saved! So don’t act like you never have wacky thoughts. I know I’m not the only one. If you don’t, this blog may not be for you. I’m not crazy but ya know.

So this morning when I was counseled I was reminded of spiritual warfare. I was totally humbled when I thought about the scripture and my blog that I wrote about last week. Peace – Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27. My husband (Wyatt) likes to tell me FB is from the devil. He is probably right. I think Satan prowls around looking for ways to bring us down and FB sure is a grand place to do that. Pit one of us against another and use our own words against ourselves. I turned right around and let my heart be troubled and I was afraid. I was trying to open the eyes and ears of people who I thought needed fixin. My question this morning was, when are you supposed to speak? When do you say the truth? When do I stand up and say no, wrong is wrong and right is right? You will not make anyone hear or see if they are in a reactive state. I will not do any good or be heard if I am in a reactive state. That is part of what I gleaned this morning. I know that logically. That is what I did though. I put logic aside and understanding when I put God’s peace aside and decided to go at this from my own wisdom. So Satan has enjoyed his week on my FB.

This is such an opportune time for us as Christians to show up or show out. Don’t look now you’re going to screw that up and your going to be right on point. We are human. If at first you don’t succeed, then dust yourself off and try again. (I think that’s a song – Aaliyah). I don’t believe in coincidences or luck. I believe in God. Things come together because of God and I don’t believe todays scripture was a fluke. It was meant to be for today. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Matthew 5:9. I also think God has a sense of humor. Look at this world. How can he not. Did God leave us his peace? Yes he did. Did he call us to be peacemakers? Yes he did. He also called me to put on his armor. If the attack is coming from FB I need to take a break from FB. If the attack is coming from the news, take a break from the news. Cut off the attack. So, I’m dusting myself off and not for the last time.

Peace He Gives Us

This has been an interesting week. I have struggled with all the things that have taken place in our country. I have been fearful at times, calm at others, confused, confident, angry and sad. I’m sure every feeling there is to have I and everyone else in this country have been taking a ride on that emotional roller coaster and would really like to get off. This whole upheaval is going to mess up the second half of my life. Huh?

Yes, that was my thought last night. You people need to get your act together. Can we not just go back to how it used to be. Republicans, democrats, yeah we don’t like each other’s policies but we aren’t drawing a line in the sand and saying, “Don’t you cross it or I’ll rage on you.” I want to yell at the Trump supporters who took an extreme and unlawful position at the Capital. You ruined it for the rest of us. Thanks a lot! Now we are all lumped into this title of “The DC Riots.” Which is an all encompassing unfair title. I want to yell at the media for not reporting the news. They thrive and stay in business off of our fear. They don’t report the facts no matter who’s side they are telling. No matter what network you are watching. I want to yell at the looters from this past year. You know what I have seen change in my town? The name of a High School. That is great but the underlying problems we are talking about are not any better. Burning down property, beating people up and instilling fear in others does not bring us where we need to be. When I think about all this, I just take it all in and I think, we can never go back. We can never fix all this. This is the beginning of the end. Again you people are messing up the second half of my life.

Why? Well I’ll tell you why. I have things mapped out. Wyatt is going to work for so many more years we will be able to travel and enjoy all that we have worked so hard for. We certainly can’t do that if we are having pandemics, burning things down, having riots, looters and protests. We can’t do that if we are in the middle of Revelations. Oh Lord, is Jesus coming back soon. I’m going to miss going to Rome. I knew it. I have wanted to go to Rome forever. Jesus, can you just back things up a bit if you are coming back now. Besides if things are about to blow up and we lose things like our utilities, I don’t do well when I can’t wash my hair. I’m getting ready to cover my porch and add a patio and fire pit outside. Well, I won’t be able to enjoy that. (Throws hands up in the air). Yeah, that’s my insane thoughts. As if God should consider those issues when his plan is being carried out. STOP! Sarah has to go to Rome first. Then! I can darken the sun and the moon and let the stars fall from the sky. I really have to laugh at myself. Those are such selfish thoughts. I have now played the end of the world completely out. I am having an anxiety attack or I’ve taken to much sinus medication. Well maybe I won’t build a patio. If I’m not going to use it then what’s the point. Should I just sit here and wait for things to fall completely off the rails. Then I take a breath and say I don’t know these things. Why am I so afraid. But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. – Matthew 24:36. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27.

It is human nature to be afraid and to think of ones self. At least I think so. I’m not a psychologist but that’s the word according to Wonder Woman. I have to bring it back to Jesus. Which is what I do. Times like this when I’m all these feelings then I have to come to ground. My eyesight also gets blurry to. I start to see things not with God’s eyes but with my eye’s and my eye’s can be very judgmental, hateful and proud. It’s time to bring it to ground. Ground will always be God. I nor does anyone else know when Jesus is coming back. I do not know how bad this chaos is going to get that we are experiencing right now. As far as things going back to the way they were, that’s not going to happen and there are reasons why it shouldn’t. I am certain that Jesus said “Peace I leave with you;” So when I’m checking myself at ground level I know that he says specifically “do not be afraid.” Now I am human so I can’t just shut that off and never be afraid but I have a living God who is never afraid.

I don’t know what to expect in the coming months. God does. I don’t know if I will go to Rome or get to use my patio. Those things are so trivial and ridiculous that they would actually be a concern. When you have anxiety it’s crazy where your mind goes and the onslaught of bizarre thoughts that come at lightening speed. I guess for me this kind of climate can have the power to grab a hold of me and drag me around by my hair and let me know one minute to the next how I should feel or react. I will continually take the power back and not be a prisoner to the fear in this world. I want to grab a hold of the peace he left to me, the peace he gave to me as much as I can.

Fear Of The Lord

It’s the start of a new year. I know that it’s time to drop bad habits and start good ones. It’s the time of year when we all put so much pressure on ourselves to try and be the best version of ourselves. What does that mean? I’ve never really been a New Years Resolution kind of gal but I think we all say generally we will eat healthier, exercise more, drink more water those types of things. What does that mean spiritually? That’s what hit me this morning. I know the changes I want to make with my body and I know the things that need to be done to get where I want to be but spiritually, where am I and where do I want to be? Where does God want me to be?

I spent another New Years sober which is something to celebrate for me. That road has been pretty rocky since my sister died. There have been a lot of pot holes and the path is a real ankle twister. This is the 2nd year in a row that I have had someone in my immediate family die and navigating through my feelings is a daily trek in need of hiking boots. It’s the comfort I miss in my drink. My friend and companion that has been there so long with me. Any alcoholic or addict will tell you that. For me it’s a he and he’s like a friend. Not a very good friend but he’s there and he doesn’t judge you and doesn’t talk back to you he’s just there when he needs to be and he’s warm and he’s numb. He’s also jealous and won’t allow me to have any relationships with my family. He won’t allow me to be shared with anyone especially Wyatt. He wants me all to himself and won’t stop till he has me right where he wants me. All to himself after I have demolished every relationship I have and he is all that is left. So of course I need to continue this journey and continue to battle and know this is not just a battle of the physical body but a battle of the mind, the spirit. There are things fighting for me to give in and give up but there are stronger, tougher things seen and unseen fighting for me to stay in it. It’s worth it. I have been called to stay in it. Spiritually, where am I, am I moving forward, where do I want to be, where does God want me?

I have so many things rollling around in this brain of mine. You would be scared if you could see in there. I have so many ideas and projects and things I want to work on. Pretty big things that I dare not say out loud because that might actually put them out into the universe. I might actually have to overcome my fear and move forward on what I feel I am supposed to be doing. If I do that though, I just might be rejected and I just might fail. That’s a whole lot of just mights and maybe, what if. That all sounds like failure to me. You have no idea how hard this is to write. Again there are so many reasons I can come up with not to move forward but there are bigger, greater more powerful reasons to trust God and move forward.

We all struggle. Some harder than others and I for sure know others have much harder struggles than I do. My sobriety and a few projects I have been rolling around were at the forefront of my mind when I thought about this New Year. This 2021. Like I said most of us go to taking care of our bodies and we know how to do that or how to go wherever we need to go to have someone to help us do that. Do we always look at where we are spiritually? Where we are with God. I want my focus to be there. I know I can’t do anything without God so why would I not start there? Why would I not feed my mind and my soul? Without the word of God and his guidance in my life and seeking him in prayer what foundation do I have? It says in the Bible – The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding Proverbs 9:10 I don’t know how many times that is in the Bible. I stopped counting at 9 maybe that’s it, maybe there’s more. I am not a Bible scholar. What I do know is that it’s important. It’s something I want to explore this year.

So I’m going to focus first spiritually on what it means to fear the Lord. How is that the beginning of wisdom? There is so much more behind that scripture than when you just read it at face value. I know whatever God has for me this year (I hope one of those things is to burn this mask) I have to have a strong foundation. I can only do that by understanding how to build the foundation correctly. In order to gain that understanding I need to fear the Lord to even begin to have wisdom. How am I going to do that? Well I’m going to do that by figuring out just what God means by that and the only way I know how to do that is by getting to know him better than I do today. I will never understand if I don’t have a relationship with my Lord and God Jesus Christ. I pray we all have a better year than last year and I will continue to ask God to let me wake up 30 lbs lighter in the morning. Who knows, he does do miracles. Faith of a mustard seed people!!

The It

Sin is so attractive? Doesn’t it make so much sense? It’s so reasonable. You deserve it. You’ve worked for it or earned it. It feels good or else you wouldn’t do it. Some of those sins we share with other people. Some we find that we want to keep hidden and do them in the dark, in the privacy of our own home. You know the most obvious ones. Alcohol if your an alcoholic, drugs, pornography, having an affair down to what we consider little white lies. “Oh these shoes? I’ve had them forever.” Says the wife so her husband won’t get irritated about the money spent on them. The argument is just exhausting. That’s a sin that makes a lot of sense to a lot of women. The same goes for men. Not wanting to hear us moan and groan about getting together with guys after work so you may be working late. Those little white lies. You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s not like you’re cheating. It’s not hurting anyone. Your just saving each other from the evening of arguing. Your actually doing each other a favor.

OK, before you go saying those examples are sexist, it’s what I came up with. Apply it to your life however you like. Maybe the husband is buying shoes and the wife is having drinks. Either way this all comes out the same. I had the opportunity to stay an evening in Miami alone. My brother and I made the trip to get Miriam together but he flew out before I did. It’s seldom I’m alone or in a place where I can do anything I want and absolutely no one will know. Now I have worked very hard the last three years and have not had a drink. I never thought I would say those words. Drinking and I were a couple as far as I was concerned. I was in a hotel 961 miles away from anyone who could physically show up. To drink or not to drink? That is the question. So goes the mind and how I deserve it. No one will ever know. Right down there in the hotel lobby. There is not a soul here that knows me. I have had so much loss and why can’t I just be numb for a while. Only one. Well, only two. Well that probably wouldn’t do it. So, maybe three and a shot just to take the edge off. I couldn’t move off the bed. I kept finding shows to watch and literally could not move from my spot on the bed. I honestly don’t know what I watched that night but I do know I ordered room service and had the best Cuban sandwich I have ever eaten and Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia instead of three and a shot. I did get up to answer the door for room service but locked myself in, jammied up and covered up like there was a blizzard outside.

Cheers to sleeping all night and no drinking, I slept with prayers from my Mom because I don’t know about anyone else but it is also skooky (that is not a typo I meant to type skooky) to be in a hotel room by yourself. Maybe it’s just me. Get ready, feeling good, make sure Miriams ashes are safe and secure for travel. Fly out of Miami and had a lay over in Charlotte. Well Satan and all of hell must have said “Hell NO” (haha get it). Any way they weren’t giving up that easy. My gate that I landed at was literally I think at one end of Charlotte Douglas Airport and the one I had to fly out of must have been at the complete opposite end. I need to stop and grab a drink and start my trek. I kid you not every time I looked up there was an airport pub, tavern something advertising a place to sit down and have some type of alcohol. I must have been hallucinating because when I looked up I saw a bar with liquor bottles behind it and empty chairs at the bar every time I looked for somewhere to buy a soda. I started walking so fast I was sweating purfusely. Then the my mind starts going. Last call, your so stressed, just stop and have one. One can’t possibly hurt anyone. THEN……JESUS said “Do you know how many steps you are getting on your Fitbit? Do you know what your heart rate is right now.” If you stop you will break that rhythm you have going and between this and the Miami airport you could probably burn off that Cuban sandwich. I bet you could get all your steps in today without getting on the treadmill.” I’m not kidding y’all. Jesus was keeping track of my steps and he was like, you go girl, keep moving, keep that heart rate up!! So then it became a challenge of not stopping until I got to my gate. AND I DID!!!! Without stopping. I’m sure people thought they might have to call EMS because walking like that with a mask on is some kind of hard. I was really loud, like I was the only one there and just ran a marathon. Thank you, I’ld like to thank my husband Wyatt, for loving me, my Mom and my sister for always supporting me, my Son for being such an inspiration in my life…… Yeah.

So, I made it home and felt magnificent getting that bear hug at the airport from Wyatt. I know I had lots of help on my trip. I had lots of prayer and Jesus held my hand. The thing is, the biggest lie we tell ourselves is that no one will ever know. Yes, they will know. If your sobriety means something to you and to the ones you love you will not be able to keep that a secret. Not only will it tear you down but you will feel as if you let everyone else down. Please don’t think I am saying relapses don’t and should never happen. That is not at all what I am saying but the lie we tell ourselves that no one will ever know is that. A lie. Being sober is hard. I’m not sure if it ever gets easy and you can just walk on by without a care. I do know right now today I am sober and I am so very blessed and thankful for all the people in the my life that helped me get there.

I will leave you with this because we all need to remember this. If you are an addict or maybe you’re not. Temptation can come your way whoever you are. I didn’t just come out of the gate an addict. IT’S seductive, IT’S logical, IT’S deserved, IT’S pleasurable and IT will rear IT’S ugly head when you least expect it. IT likes the element of surprise. That IT will be whatever you need IT to be.

Miriam 11/22/20

I’m sitting in the Miami airport looking around at everyone else, wearing their masks, socially distancing 6’ apart. No one is talking except to people in their own party or some are having a conversation on their phone. There is a child over in the corner, maybe 6 or 7, crying, well not crying just whimpering and letting out the occasional wail. Dear Lord I do remember having a small child but please let him get on another plane or all the sudden become magically happy. Most of us are just looking down. You know looking down at our phones, tablets, whatever it takes not to look each other in the eye. With this pandemic we are fast becoming a closed off society. There’s also the occasional person who doesn’t know what headphones are or an inside voice. Yes everyone wants to hear your conversation or listen to TikTok or whatever movie your watching. Were you raised in a barn. I’m thinking so. Where is your mother?!

As I struggle to breathe, well that’s a little overly dramatic but I’m so over this mask, I get it, I’m wearing it. Let’s not go into that issue. So, I’m getting ready to board my flight and this trip has been emotional. I didn’t come down here to soak up the sun or to relax. I came down here to pick up my sister. My sister Miriam. I travel back on this plane with her cremains. It’s almost too much to even wrap my head around. We just buried my Dad a little over a year ago. To have another loss this soon is almost inconceivable.

Miriam passed away November 22, 2020. There is no doubt Miriam lived a hard life. We have been through ups and downs with her and have expected this call many times through out the years. My Mom and I have been on the phone with rehabs, women’s shelters you name it. We have had places lined up for her ready to go right up to the minute all she had to do was get on the bus or connect with a person. We had such excitement that each time was going to be THE time. It never was. And not just me and my Mom my whole family and even people that weren’t family have stepped in and tried to get her help. As horrible as the dark times were she always seemed to pull through them. God always put people in her life to witness to her and to help her. From the random guy at the gas station who would just walk up to her and say “God told me to tell you he loves you and you are not lost.” To men she met in Miami who would call myself and my Mom on the phone and tell us they were so in love with her and they just wanted to save her. They would do anything to get her out of the life she was in and get her back to us or to treatment or to anywhere just out of Miami. She has seen and been through a lot in her young life. Things to horrific for me to write on this page. Things no person should ever have to go through. One thing I’ve learned though my own addiction, you can not help an addict until they decide they want help.

You can pull someone out of the depths of hell, put them in the best program and take them out of the situation they are in. Clean them up, give them new clothes, a job, do everything under the sun to put them on the right path. You would be better off spitting in the wind and setting your money on fire in the back yard. An addict will find that life no matter where they are. I don’t care if you move them 5 states away. I don’t care if you put them in a different country. You can not help someone until they have hit their rock bottom and are reaching up saying please, please help me. I need help. I know this. I don’t speak because I read this from some book. I did not stop drinking until I said I need help. Until I hit my rock bottom. Everyone is different. My rock bottom may be totally different than what yours would have been. You may say you would not have gone down the hole I did. You would have stopped before I did. Maybe. I hope you never find out.

What I know is, it is hard to find a person or family out there that has not been affected some how some way by drugs or alcohol. It is a beast and all it does it destroy families and ensure the pattern gets repeated from generation to generation until someone stands up and says ‘NO MORE!’ and breaks that cycle for their future generations. It’s an escape people. We will do anything to stop the pain we feel and to not go through the emotions that come along with being hurt. Let me tell you, and addicts reading this understand. It’s no fun going from numbing your pain and not having to feel to all the sudden feeling every emotion and having to deal with all your baggage. Who wants to do that? Miriam had a lot of pain and because of that she wanted to escape. She wanted to block out all the pain that she had been through. So starts her cycle for her future generations. She has 6 children. She didn’t raise any of them. Are the things that happened to her an excuse for why she wasn’t a present mother? No, lots of people go through bad things and become productive people. She could not be one of those people. So goes the pattern for her children. They have the choice to numb the pain, be absent from their children’s lives or stand up and say. ‘NO MORE!” I do believe the person or persons who exacted so much pain on my sister will have to answer for what he did to Miriam and how it changed the direction of her life.

Miriam wasn’t just her addiction. She was funny. She loved to make people laugh. She had the ability to talk to anyone. She could meet you and within 5 minutes she knew everything about you and you felt like you had known her all your life. She was a ride or die. She was my very first best friend. She meant so much to so many people and she will leave a hole in so many lives. I’m bringing her home today, where she belongs. Her family never gave up on her. We loved her no matter who she was or what she did. She was ours. She was loved and she belonged to someone. While we have her ashes, I do know in my heart through everything she went through she knew Jesus as her savior. Was she walking hand in hand every day with him? No. Do you? Do I? Salvation is not conditional or based on works. Salvation is eternal and none of us deserve it. I thank God that he loved us all so much to send his one and only son to die on the cross for us and shed his blood to make us clean so we could live and have everlasting life if we believe.

Hug those you love more often. Take time to have conversations. Miriam was 40ish (I’m not sure of the exact amount of days) clean from drugs up until the day she died. She was supposed to be traveling to my house for a visit mainly for her Mom. We don’t know where we are going to be from one minute to the next. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Say hello to those you pass while your out and about. Just say it loud so they can hear it from behind your mask. Smile but make sure you smile with your eyes so people can see your smiling. If anyone out there reading this needs help or is struggling with an addiction of any kind please reach out. Reach out to me. Reach out to a friend. Call the National Drug Abuse Hotline 24/7 (888)582-7969. If Miriams passing has done anything at all it has renewed my desire to maintain my sobriety and it has also brought family together that we never thought we would have a chance to meet. Heaven is so amazing I bet my Dad is still showing her around. Those two are quite a pair.

Wait For It….

It’s getting close. Can you feel it. I’m sure your phone is blowing up with texts and calls. Every other commercial on TV, bashing this politician or that one. Telling you who you should vote for and why. I’m getting ready to go put my hip waiters on because it’s getting deep. On both sides. You can’t walk in either direction without stepping in it. Breathe, yes breathe, I am not here to try to convince you who to vote for. You get enough of that from everywhere else you look.

Calm down, stop beating your friends, family and even people you don’t know over the head because they don’t have the same political beliefs as you. We are all going to go vote and hopefully we will all handle it like adults. Lord a mercy I know that’s wishful thinking. You know what though? Our next president has already been decided. I wish I had the inside scoop and could fill you in but God and I are not tight like “that”. We talk but he’s not about letting me know the future. So unfair.

I know that can seem flippant and you can shrug that off but it’s very true. God is not going to be surprised on Election Day. He is not going to be sitting on his throne and look over at Peter and say “ huh, well I didn’t see that coming.” Yes, we all need to do our duty and vote and feel honored and proud that we live in a country where we are free to cast our votes. What we shouldn’t do is put our hope and faith and all we are in whatever man or woman is sitting in the White House or in congress all the way down to our Mayors and Chiefs of Police. They are people and they are fallible. I’m not saying anything new or shocking but we need to start getting behind the leaders who are elected. That doesn’t mean supporting everything that comes down the pike if it goes against what we stand for but this constant bashing and tearing down of people is just relentless. How do we expect our children to act any better if we as adults are acting like our children?

Our next President may not be who I vote for. He is still my President. I still live in the United States of America. There is all this talk of change in our country. How are we to change if we are losing friends over our political beliefs. I can’t be your friend or vice versa because we have different opinions. That just hurts my heart.

My reading today was in Psalm 104 and verse 24 jumped out to me. The whole Psalm is actually beautiful if you read it. Verse 24: How many are your works, Lord! In wisdom you made them all. – Think about that. How many are your works!!!! Too many to count. He made them all! Our knowledge is finite while his is infinite. We can’t even begin to comprehend all that he has done. God did give us the mind of Jesus Christ and he will provide us the wisdom we need in every situation if we will just listen. We can’t listen, when we’re arguing or being a keyboard warrior striking out and shooting our words as if they were tiny missiles. We need to learn to be still. We need to learn to seek him first. We need to learn to look on those around us with love. I write this to myself as well. I’m certainly not the poster child for always being calm and showing the love of Christ. I want to be better though. I want to be less like me and more like Jesus.

Like it or not Election Day will be here and there will be a winner and a loser. Be kind, Be still. It doesn’t matter if who you voted for is in office or not that doesn’t stop you from being kind or being still. We can all start the next four years with open dialogue. Not everyone will do this but if just a few take a hold of love it can spread. Use the mind that God gave you and listen for his wisdom. He will give you wisdom if you seek it because in his wisdom he has made all.

Below is a beautiful song. Please listen. It’s by Fernando Ortega. The Creation Song. If you read Psalm 104 and listen to the song it will make sense.

Earned Titles

A year has passed. How can that be? Somehow it feels as if the time got away from me and yet it also feels like this past year, since August 23rd 2019, has been the longest year of my life. My Dad has been gone a year today. As I sit in my room and look around I try to picture how we were all in here with my Dad. He was surrounded by so much family. He was so loved and I don’t think he ever realized just how much love his family had for him. How he had earned the title of Dad and PawPaw. The title of husband (Mom’s person). Those title’s aren’t given out free of charge. Just because you can be all of those things doesn’t mean you are.

My Dad was just that. My Dad. He loved me and my brother and sisters more than his life. He would have done anything for us. He loved his grandchildren and great grandchildren the same way. There is nothing any of us could have done that could cause my Dad to withdraw his love. His was unconditional. He was truly an example of my Heavenly Father. I know he earned the title of husband. He was my Mom’s person. Good times, bad times just ok times they stuck together. I never once ever remember feeling uncertain about my home life and the fear that one or the other might leave. I just knew they were there and that would not change. Don’t get me wrong, life in the Bailey household was not like the Brady Bunch but we always loved each other and it was always home. My parents have always been home no matter where they are.

I miss him just as much today as I did a year ago. Don’t let anyone tell you time heals all wounds. It does not. I may cry less today than I did a year ago, but I find myself missing him and wanting to share things with him only to remember I can’t. There are days that I laugh thinking of him and days that I cry. Then there are the days of anger. I feel like I was cheated. He should still be here. We had things to do, to talk about. We all thought he was going to be here for much longer after he got treatment and we got 3 months. 3 months to the day he was diagnosed and that was it. He should still be here. Sitting on my front porch, letting me push him around for walks outside and saying hello to everyone that he doesn’t know and greeting them with random names. Hi Chuck, Hi Steve, Hey Bob long time. Yes they would look at him like I must know that guy, and say hi because if I don’t, it’s rude. I guess that’s the thing. We don’t know. God chooses the time, the day, the place, the minute. He’s ready when he’s ready. Don’t waste your moments. You may not get them again.

I think my Dad is the first person that I’ve lost that has been that close to me. It’s certainly the first time I have ever had an urn in my home. My Dad has been sitting on my mantle for a year and it has been bothering me. He just sits up there. Kind of like a trinket or conversation piece. So, Wyatt hates when I start sentences out with so. So, I wanted to go to the beach this weekend. It just felt like a way to be close to my Dad. He and my Mom love the water. I took my Dad with me. Just stick with me guys. I know that sounds weird and creepy. I wanted to take my Dad to the ocean and just put him there in the surf. His little urn right there in the surf beside me. Listen, if I saw someone on the beach with a tiny urn before my Dad passed away my thought would have been, that’s creepy and personal so yeah. You just don’t understand until you’ve been inducted into the club. It’s not a club you want to be in and you can’t fully understand the actions or words of the people in the club until you are inducted. It was a little word from God to not judge people when you see them doing something you deem as weird. You don’t know what that person is going through. So yes I took him to the beach and I was glad I put him right there in the surf. I don’t like him sitting on the mantle so I’m going to plant a tree and bury him under the tree along with a bench to sit on. He loved to sit outside and that seems like a better place for him. For me really. I know he is pain free in heaven and all these things we go through after someone we love so deeply dies are how we deal with our pain and loss. I will enjoy sitting on that bench and thinking of my Dad.

I have really struggled this past year with the loss and it felt like someone just kept saying, “I think you need one more thing for you to work through.” Who hasn’t though. 2020 has come with a lot of challenges for almost everyone. I would like to think I am coming out the other side and seeing clearer. I look forward to my tree growing big enough for a bench and a garden stone. I can sit there and read a book or just enjoy the outdoors and think of all the ways my Dad earned the title Dad many times over.

May the Lord Bless you and Keep you. The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26.

My Dad used to pray this over all of us kids and this is what my garden stone will say.